Forgive me first love...

So Alex and I were briefly discussing online dating last night, and I instantly thought of my first love. I was 16, a junior in high school. I remember writing love letters to him in my AP English class. We had a strong connection. At that age, I was just a girl: overlooked and ignored. He knew exactly who I was and never had to set foot before me. That's right. My first love was purely emotional. He lived in Chicago while I resided in Virginia. I already knew my parents wouldn't understand (they're still anti-meeting/getting to know people online), so seeing him was out of the question. Regardless, it was my first relationship experience that builded my love of romance. We still keep in touch today, yet we both lead busy lives. Even though the feelings I felt almost four years ago (Jan. 11, 2005) have evolved into a precious friendship, I will always remember...

(will edit this later)

Star Light Star Bright (serious work in progress)

It started off with a simple nursery rhyme

One night

She whispered wishes out her window

In hopes of curing her quarter-life crisis

Daylight brought an unforgettable opportunity

Of obtaining the first man

Reminiscent of fairy tale heroes

Confidence opened her heart

She expressed her dreams

While he was stuck on reality

Though they met mindsets on love at first sight

By sunset, she knew she found the one

She promised herself

First star she’d see tonight

She’d thank it

For the death of may and might

(Though her gratitude was for naught

At least for tonight)

Now she buries her head in pillows

So the stars won’t hear her cries

Blinding balls of light

Searing flesh under unsuspecting eyelids

Every touch from him

Choking her

Suffocating thoughts

Resuscitating fear

In trails of trampled emotions at his feet

Surrendering to nonexistent gods

Who would inflict such pain

Scarring a precious life

Just because she believes in

Star light star bright?

***

Compliments/comments/criticism is greatly appreciated!

Lessons for the Boys

Subject line aside, I'm extremely happy. If this man keeps impressing me, we may have a situation on our hands...and I think I'd like it a lot.

I've interacted with quite a few males within the past couple of weeks. I've been impressed as well as practically sick to my stomach when checking them out (pictures + profile). Here are some rules for impressing me (and probably every girl with a good head on her shoulders):

1. Have an opinion. I don't just want admirers. I want us to talk about the arts (poetry, music, etc.) and anything else under the sun. Surface conversation doesn't do it for me anymore. For example, there's this one dude who loves me and is already talking about how wonderful it would be if we were together. First off, you've never seen me before in life. You only have a handful of pictures to go off of, and 95% of them are head shots. I sent him the poem I posted last week and all he can say is "that's a beautiful poem." I can't accept that. I am deeper than that. Goodbye.

2. Read my profile and prove that you read it. Okay, I'm not going to give you a reading comprehension quiz, but come on. Not everyone wants to date someone simply because he/she is a 10. I surely don't want that. Get a feel for who I am. Most of the basic questions you want to ask are already answered on my profile. If you ask me a bunch of obvious questions in a row, I'm going to know that you didn't read a damn thing. You lose points for that.

3. Going beyond the picture. My picture does not define me. If I were to take a picture of every angle, chances are a lot of people wouldn't respond to specific ones. I already know how important appearance is to some people, but I'm more than that. You can't tell me what type of person I am based on a cute smile. Looks are deceiving. I'm an exception. I have a pretty face with a personality to match.

4. Know my limits. At the bottom of every profile, there are specific guidelines in order to contact me. The age range I'm interested in is 18-26. Please tell me why this 28-year-old man still tries to contact me. There may be exceptions to the rule, but for now, I'm sticking to my limits. Please respect them. It's not you, but then again, maybe it is...Edit: (2:20-ish) Dude just tried to message me again. Honey, give it a rest...

5. Have at least a high school mastery of the English language. You already know how I feel about chat speak. It's not attractive to me. It's okay if you didn't go to college. It's not for everyone, but I need someone who is at least close to my level. More than five spelling errors may subject to complete evasive action of your messages.

For the most part, I'm just looking for friends. I feel like things may go deeper with one particular friend, but that's an exception to the rule. That's another blog topic that I may touch on in a few days. I'm just going to let this new feeling marinate a bit for now.

Refreshing Cadence.

I feel like those two words sum me up right now. I'm that girl that you want to be around.

I'll make you laugh and smile. People who don't do those often are not living life properly.

I'm intelligent. Chat speak is cool in the few necessary circumstances. I don't think it's cute when you're trying to impress an intelligent person like myself. Saying that you're the baddest whatever and you're making that money doesn't impress me. That's why I end up surpassing a lot of people on networking sites. I think if you're making something of yourself and you're trying to make a good first impression, you wouldn't do that.

I'm real. What's the point in getting to know people when you're putting on a fake image? I'm just me. I mean, I am reserved at first, but if you show interest in me, then I'll return the favor. And what's with people not saying what they mean? If someone tells you to call them, he/she should mean that. Opposite day is not cute.

I'm gaining confidence in myself. Ultimately, if I don't feel good at the end of the day, how am I going to get anywhere? I've had confidence since I started writing poetry. And it's showing now. During my audition, I had so much command in my presence that was above any performance I've ever given in the past. They even asked me if I wanted to act.

Refreshing, no?

Alex actually mentioned the word cadence while we were waiting to audition the other night. I have an interesting rhythm with words. And I also just go to the beat of life. Whatever comes, I accept it. Life's rhythm is what you make it, am I right?

Last night, I went to Carrabbas for a birthday get-together. One of my friends asked everyone what they wanted to accomplish in 2009. We were just talking about how I fell hard from the gym fix I had spring semester. I mean, there's nothing wrong with being comfortable with the way I am. I've always been used to being a plus-sized girl. I probably always will be, and I have no problem with that. I just need to be healthy. That falls under my main goal, which is changing for the better. I still have some things to work on. I'm so glad that the people I care about can see how much I've grown and matured into the person I am today.


I'm not sure if I believe in alter-egos. Every part of me is still me. No need for fancy names. But maybe a name will come to me one of these days. I actually like the word "cadence," so maybe I'll stick with that. Suggestions Alex? Lol

My default poem

Disclaimer: This is not a personal poem in the sense of this happened to me. That's all. Enjoy.

Blind Submission

I'm staring into this space called life
But my vision is blurred
In black and blue
Bruises to my pride

Your fingerprints on the side of my neck
Leave me
Worthless

A love song choked of life
A ballad torn from emotion

Clothes torn as
Casualities of your anger

The fire in your eyes
Makes me wanna disappear in a cloud of smoke

But what did I do wrong?
Why am I your bleeding target?

Because of you
I face the world with
Fresh scars under makeup
Drowned in tears

I'm living a slow death
Raised by brass knuckles
And verbal warfare

This is me...

Surrendering in the corner
To the soles of your shoes
Marking my body with rainbow colors

Blood kissing the hard floor

But all I can see is white...

***

P.S. I just auditioned with this poem for the Black Extravaganza. I have a good feeling about this...

Ex-cetera. (fav blog of all time.)

I originally was just going to give some advice to a friend of mine, but in turn, I've had one of the greatest epiphanies with just a few simple statements.

We all have history with people. Finished business. Lingering pain. These are some of the symptoms from dealing with ex-friends, ex-lovers...ex-cetera (cute, no?).

I realized a few days ago that it's been about eight months since I was involved in a connection that will probably affect me for the rest of my romantic life. I still think about it almost daily, whether it's positive, negative, or just for the sake of revelation (in this case). I don't consider myself obsessed (that's a term only used when your friends are tired of hearing about said subject).

I had a similar experience with my ex-boyfriend freshman year (almost 2 years ago). We broke up during the winter and I completely got over it probably during the fall of that same year. I had my (necessary and unecessary) poetic outbursts, my naive threats at backstepping, and my own inspirational speeches. Maybe history is repeating itself.

Now I'm constantly reminded of why I'm in this current mental/emotional stage. The only difference now is that I wasn't in love and I was quite aware of the occasional overpowering lust inside of me this past summer. I'm just amazed at how much I've discovered in something so temporary.

At this point, I don't care what he thinks about me or our past situation. I know that I am beyond being the person I was during the summer. I don't regret what happened. I just know that I'm in a completely different place now. I used to wish for an experience similar to the moments we had, but I'm aware that it's nowhere near possible. I no longer have feelings for him, so what would be the point? I'm not in a stage where I will beg and/or explain myself when I will most likely receive nothing in return.

I deserve the world. I deserve friends who care. I already have the latter. I don't need anything less than that.

I'm seeing the beauty in the struggle. Coincidentally, I had to give a presentation based on that theme this morning (on a religious level). Religion aside, I believe in myself. I believe that someday I will find someone who truly understands what I've overcome and what I'm in the process of overcoming.

"One step at a time
I feel better
I can smile at it now
I feel better...

And even a little is still better..."

~ "A Little Better" Gnarls Barkley

You will never understand the level of my pride right now. I love this feeling. I wish I could feel it all the time.

Talking vs. Texting

I have come to terms with being a textaholic. I've had a cell phone for a little more than two years now, and it just keeps getting worse lol. I vaguely remember sending my first few text messages, but I'm one of the types who text freakishly fast and I reply to about 99% of the messages I receive.

Most of us don't want to socialize anymore. Why call to say hello when we can just text "hello"? Sometimes it's necessary. As busy as life gets sometimes, texting is a convenience. However, I'm starting to see the downfalls of it.

I know people who can text for days like me, but some of us are way too busy to text. Others just don't care for it. The main problem I see is keeping up an interesting conversation with certain people.

We start with simple greetings and ask about what the other person is doing. Sometimes it's hard to get past that, especially with those you just met.

Not all people are going to be lively and engaging through text messages, even though they are that way in person. Let's present the examples of two girls that I met within the past month or so.

Lisa (see the "She told me I was beautiful" entry) is a pretty cool chick to talk to in person. We check in on each other via text from time to time. Our text conversations are mostly basic, unless I just feel like presenting a random topic such as Leather and Lace (a local novelty store lol). During the past holiday break, I was trying to go see her, so I would text her concerning if she was free that day. Our deepest conversation to date occurred on the morning after club night, where we talked about anything and everything while laying next to each other. (*sigh*)

I've only known Ken for a few weeks. I met her through some friends and we hit it off pretty well. We exchanged numbers and we would text each other almost every day. That was pretty basic as well. After about a week or so, she stopped texting and I was a bit offended, but at the same time, our text conversations were superficial. I can accept that.

So most are probably thinking "Why don't you just call the girl?"

Because of my texting epidemic, I rarely call people (outside of my mom and sis). I keep in touch with most of my friends with texts and I see most of them at least once a week. I usually don't think about calling people unless I have a definite reason to ("call me" text, missed call, birthday, etc.). I'm either already with a friend or just doing something that diverts my mind from thinking about calling said person. I want to change this, especially when it comes to people I want to get to know better (friends or potential lovers) who I can't see on a regular basis.

If I had to pick between the two, I would pick talking (even though there is a time and place for texting). There's nothing better than a long phone conversation that has no bounds on topic matter. It's been too long since I've had one of those. Once the stress of school calms down, I'm determined to have a late night phone session at least once a week.

I could never quit texting, but I promise to work on creating a healthy balance for both.

A boyfriend at my fingertips?

I am anticipating a future of complete laziness. Even now we barely have to move to get in contact with people or have access to certain objects. A favorite tv show, the newest hit song, the perfect boyfriend...

I just recently joined a dating site for kicks. One of my best friends decided to sign up, and it's completely free. "Why not?" I asked myself. It wouldn't hurt to get back in touch with some boys.

I instantly received numerous hits and quite a few welcome messages after I signed up. I even instant messaged a couple of hopefuls (who messaged me first). I gave one my number and he's been texting here and there. He called me at 2am last night, but I was in no mood to talk to a stranger that late.

Even with the possibility of meeting the perfect guy, we all hide behind these online personalities. Lucky face shots will get guys' attention, but what about those that don't make the cut? How many guys would actually stick around if they knew I was bisexual? There's always those deep dark secrets that are kept inside at surface conversation.

And how many times do we look at a myspace profile pic of a boy and think "He's the one" at first glance? Hardly ever. As romantic as I am, I don't believe in love at first sight. Infatuation...yes. Anyway, I haven't seen any drop-dead gorgeous people yet (at least in my area). Isn't that the point though? A networking site for mostly average people who can't get laid on a regular basis...

Of course, I consider myself being above average. It's hard to find people on the regular walk of life, so here I am trying to see what I can find beyond the mall trips and local Starbucks runs in my hometown. Maybe there is someone out there who understands.

In the meantime, I'm just living my life. If I find someone, cool. If not, at least I can say I tried something new.

Because of the demands of my sexuality (lol), I'm not sure if I could do a serious relationship now anyway. I guess if I find that person, then sure. For now, I'm just going to stay with the safe "dating" status.

I thought this was going to be more profound. Oh well...

Subject aside, I'm dying to go home for Thanksgiving. My dad's supposed to pick me up later today. I need to start packing...

She told me I was beautiful...

I have so many blog topics to catch up on, but stick around for those.

Last night I went to a gay club called Harrts (Hearts) with a bunch of friends. When I was walking to the back of the line, I spotted my friend's (one who didn't sttend the gathering) ex-boo and her best friend, who I had met about a month ago.

Long story short, me and her best friend hit it off on the dance floor. I was drinking before we got there, so I was definitely a lot more loose. We got real close and I ended up going home with her. We were holding hands the whole time.

Before things got started, she something along the lines of: "Don't be ashamed of who you are. You are beautiful..." I'll never forget it. I mean, maybe some people may say that just to get the undergarments, but I believe that she really meant it.

But anyway, we're just special friends. I'm still figuring things out and I know she plans on staying single for a while. And there's also this girl I just met the other night, so...

More news later. Gotta return a phone call.

;)

Poem (so proud of my baby!!)

New Beginnings, Old Impressions


“Write me a poem.”
She said.

I say
Inspire me first.

Find a way
To keep your essence flowing
Through my veins

Give me a reason
To fasten you to my mind
And eject you recklessly with my pen

But then,
Six days later
Your absence affected me
More than a spark
Lighting a dim fire
Remembering holding hands
Under a flickering TV screen
Massaging any hint of loneliness away
With my fingertips

Cool, calm and collected I was
On the bed
Your back to my chest
Still couldn’t contain the curiosity
In my mind
(Supposedly a self-inflicting disease)

I was just trying to feel you
Bless your mind
And capture your heart
One day

But the chance started to fade…

Now new beginnings define
Both our lives:
You want real love
While I want some well-deserved attention

But maybe I placed myself too high
To be knocked to a level so low

So now I watch the blood dripping
From pride lost,
A death of simple attraction.

(Rest in peace first impressions)

Change.

Well, we did it America. Not just Black America. Every color, creed, etc. helped out for the better of this country.

My contribution consisted of canvassing on Election Day, hanging info on people's doorknobs and making sure people voted. Some were annoyed, some were proud, and some had a lot to say. There were a couple of people who were still uninformed of their voting area, so our help was needed. My greatest memory (besides seeing the news of Obama being the new president elect) is giving an elderly lady voting information and the way she beamed when she saw Obama's face on it.

I was ecstatic when they finally showed Virginia as a blue state. That color hasn't showed up here since 1964. HU definitely played a big part in that and I'm proud that I played a part in that. And overall, every vote counted. The popular vote was 51 to 49. That shows that the voting process was extremely fair this time around, even though it was still chaotic.

I was at my friend's house when we found out the great news. Shay was in complete disbelief, but I believed it. It still almost seems unreal.

Most of us are either proud or fearful of what happens next. I'm more of the former. Of course we all wonder what the McCain supporters are going to do.

And Americans aren't the only ones celebrating. Obama is appreciated worldwide. That tells us something.

For now, we can countdown to January 20th and see the change come gradually. All I know is that I'm glad to be existing in this everchanging world.

My mind is filled with unfinished poems.

I had a lovely Homecoming weekend. I'm just glad I have the friends that I have, or else I'd still be the hermit I was freshman year. One of my friends dubbed me the "low-key popular chick." I don't know how to feel about that lol.

My current (mostly nonexistent) love life has been taken over by vicious bouts of jealousy. One girl is completely taken and I'm fine with that (mostly). She wants me to write a poem about her and I'm working on it. No worries...it's nothing emotionally unreasonable.

Girl #2 is single, but I know she still has feelings for the girl she used to talk to. I could see it when we were all hanging out on Friday. I got drunk for the first time last night and all I wanted to do was be next to her. She was the one who gave me that push into that side of my sexuality, so I guess I'll always feel some type of way about her. Just a few days ago, we finally talked about what happened. Apparently she was going through some things, so she apologized for avoiding it. She said I was really cool and no matter what happens, she can see us as being good friends. I want something to happen. I'm not sure if it's my feelings or my curiosity talking. It's probably a little bit of both...

I don't really have any main guy prospects. Mr. Gorgeous is a long shot. I may start small, like the senior who asked me to dance many moons ago. Whatever I end up doing...I honestly just want some attention. It's been a little more than a month. I think I feel like since I'm more social, I should be getting more action. It's still hard as hell for me out there. I'm going to try harder, that's for sure.

I got a Homecoming bonus from my aunt and uncle and I spent half of it already. I had one of my best friends come with me, and he helped me out a lot. It made me realize that looking extra good is expensive as hell. I'd rather just be chill and be me with the occasional surprises in between. We'll count Saturday's outfit as one of those surprises. I probably won't bust it out until after I get my hair done this weekend.

I'm anxious for Tuesday night. In between, I will be participating in the Oh So Political Film Festival from 11 to 8 today in the Student Center. It continues tomorrow, but I plan on helping out with the Obama campaign. We're going to go to various poll areas and make sure everyone votes. There's a lot of scams out here and we have to make sure every registered voter votes without the mess. Hill Harper came at the last minute tonight to encourage us to do what we can now. I've already voted absentee, so I can now focus my energy on everyone else.

And those are the main things on my mind. Stay tuned America.

Make a difference and VOTE!! Peace.

I believe nervousness shifts personalities into twitching choatic beings.

My attempt at an original title...yeah.

I'm inspired by my confident indifference towards Mr. Semi-Summer '08. I don't care about not being friends anymore, but I just can't look him in the eye without thinking about past feelings (not so much past feelings as just the simple fact that I was once close with him). Most times I just avoid the dude period. We act like the other is invisible unless the situation we are in is absolutely impossible to do as such.

It's almost like I don't even see what attracted me in the first place. That phase was interesting. I just appreciate someone who likes me for who I am. If that means spilling out my heart recklessly, then so be it. People are who they are. We transition for better and for worse. I see the positive because once the next long/short-term interest comes around, I know what to do as well as what not to do.

I just want to prove myself now. I can do better, smarter, and more consistent.

Try me.

Vexed and glorious as ever.

Kenna is the man by the way. Check out his music.

Anyway, living life is crazy. You have your best (and worst) moments in no particular order, and depending on the impact, it'll help/haunt you for the rest of your life. Right now I think the good and bad are balanced. I can't keep someone (romantically) interested for the life of me, but my friends save me from oncoming boredom. Romance takes more work though. I'll take friends over an iffy lover any day. (Optimism always prevails)

My midterm grades were better than I expected. Still, I have a lot to do in order to get through this semester.

It's Homecoming week and I'm not the least bit phased. I may just go out of town for the weekend anyway.

End surface blog.

Does keeping it real ever go wrong?

In most cases for me, I don't think so. My definition of the classic phrase is to be open and upfront in a positive sense. I think that's one of my flirting methods. I mean, who wants someone in a shell?

I may be repeating myself, but I'm selectively open. If you're just staring at me, I'm obviously not going to treat you with my thoughts and philosophies (lol Alex). Be engaging and I'll do the same. All it takes is a simple phrase. The interest can spread like wildfire.

One of my fellow colleagues wrote an article in the school newspaper saying that everyone is fake. I didn't take any offense because I already know how real I am. I don't dress for others (I'm always my first priority) and frankly I don't try to be like other people. Friends influence me, but I'm in control of my destiny. I am who I am and if you're able to figure out (or at least try to) what that is, then you'll be on my side. Otherwise you might as well keep it moving.

One of my good friends was telling me about how my positivity moves her a great deal. People carry so much heavy weight on their shoulders and sometimes it's draining to hear about drama all the time. I'm glad to be that breath of fresh air. I have my problems, but I usually don't think about them when I'm with people I care about.

In other news, I may have found the realest girl in the land. We'll see where that goes...

Music is heartsong at its finest.

I could go for days about my love for music, but for now...

I was just looking through something a former "friend" of mine posted on Facebook about Daft Punk. Over the course of said "friendship," I introduced him to the duo. One day we spent about an hour just cuddling up and watching the video story that went along with the Discovery album. But let me not get too nostalgic...I bet he'll always remember who put him on to that, just as I'll remember who put me on to amazing artists like Gnarls Barkley and Kenna.

Every song has a story, even outside of the lyrics. Significant moments happen in our lives. And if you're like me, you'll remember at least one of the songs that were playing during a particular extended moment. Examples: My previous "Sand in My Shoes" post and the significance of "Destiny" by Zero 7 that I briefly mentioned earlier. The latter isn't the best song ever, ("I'm watching porn in my hotel dressing gown" is memorable, but not the best lyrical image) though the chorus speaks volumes:

"When I'm weak, I draw strength from you
And when you're lost, I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down, you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart, we are each other's destiny..."

Just a sub-par love song? Not quite so anymore (to me). That's my definition of friendship. The three friends who directly (and indirectly) calmed me down last night...I will never forget what they did for me. Those lines are for them.

Well that's one example of a musical memory. There's many more to come when I feel the need to have you indulge in a few secrets of mine...

Scariest night of my life.

I was hanging out with one of my good friends at his friend's house. Someone started knocking at the door in a threatening manner and eventually kicked in the door. We then found out it was a group of boys (I call them "boys" because clearly they don't know how to act). My adrenaline was pumping from the moment the door gave way to their demanding nature. They started verbally harassing my friend and eventually jumped him. I was frozen in place for at least 30 seconds. I went outside and was about to call 911 when the cops arrive right on time and handled the situation. My friend told me to go to his car, lock the doors, and stay there. I obeyed and called a couple of friends, who ended up calming me down. During that process, I found out via text that my friend was okay and he came to the car after filing a police report. They ended up asking me a few questions as well.

Overall, I was scared for my life tonight. My heart is still trying to calm down even though everything is okay. My friend and I were trapped in a situation that could have ended up being fatal. All the dudes who were with us disappeared instantly after the idiots came in.

It's a shame that there was nothing I could do in the situation. If I had been a dude, I probably would've left with a few bruises like my friend did. The boys did not touch me. And my friend was looking out for me in my best interest. Even though this was a horrible altercation, I realized who was there for me, as well as who was there for my friend.

When I was in the car by myself, I had no idea who to call. I could have contacted my best friend from home first, but I decided to go with one of my good friends who was still on campus. She calmed me down a great deal, so I called my best friend next. I would have called my mom, but I didn't want to scare her or have my dad come on campus in anger towards the situation.

In cases like this, I feel like our true selves come out. No matter how strong we are, we will be placed in situations where we will be faced with our fears and weaknesses. We are all vulnerable.

I'm okay, for the most part. I just need to get some rest, but I had to get this out first.

Edit: "Destiny" by Zero 7 will always remind me of that night. That was the song I played (like 11 seconds into it my best friend called me) and I sang (sans mp3 player - left it in my friend's car) when I was trying to calm down. I just got my player back and instantly listened to that.

Shy Flirt?

For the longest time, I never thought I could catch the eye of someone who is extremely attractive (athletes, popular dudes with 20 girls at a time, etc.) Why? Because I've been overweight all my life. Apparently, I thought that people who fit in that category have the guys they can go for while everyone else can have each other. Trust me, I had (and still have) pretty high self-esteem, but that didn't (doesn't) mean I'd always get the guy (or girl).

These days, anything is possible. Even "ugly" girls/guys can have crazy swag. That's why they got your man/woman.

Roughly, we all want someone who has confidence, intelligence, and is easy on the eyes. Of course, him/her would want the same in return (in most cases).

I like to be approached. Maybe I'm lazy, but that's how I am. Once the ice is broken, I can talk a mile a minute. Trust me.

Maybe I'm just afraid that people I'll approach won't give a damn. It happens. We all have different goals and paths in life.

Some friends have definitely shown me that taking initiative is key. It's easy to say that most dudes are oblivious, but that show of confidence eventually helps you out in the end.

This is our trial and error period. We talk, we live (possibly love) and learn.

Poetry is life (Part I)

Honestly, I'd die without it. The boundless expression lets me tell everyone who I am (well at least to those who are willing to read/listen).

You can't put rules on writing poetry. Confining someone's creativity is a crime. We're all different and have the freedom to write whatever we want how we want. Now there is good and bad poetry, but it's all a matter of perception (and the majority of course).

This year, I've been regularly going to weekly open mics, mostly at Mary Helen's down the street from campus. Most of the time, I sign up to perform. Sometimes I don't like going up there knowing that I won't get the crowd hype like some other word artists. I'm more literary than anything. I've embraced who I am though: a young woman who writes because her mind and heart tell her to. I'm never going to stop writing. Also, the open mic experience always inspires at least a couple of new lines later. Right now I have so much to work with it's ridiculous. I could write all day if I wanted to, and I would all day every day if I didn't have so many responsibilities.

With the freedom of open mics, there are the bad apples that grace the stage with their unique mediocrity. They're usually pretty rare, but last night there were at least four performances of that quality (with one man performing twice). The content ranged from an orginal song about "ugly"-ing up to a middle-aged man mimicking current rap songs.

Besides those "special" performances, everyone else was pretty good. One dude was promoting his poetry cd and ended up making big business after he finished performing a taste of it.

I will never get tired of open mics. I'm going to another one tonight in Norfolk. I've been before and it was lovely. I didn't perform that time, but I will definitely do so tonight. I believe more of my friends are coming this time, so I'm excited.

More to come later.

Why, why does he do me that way?

So I had my first (semi) summer fling not too long ago. We noticed each other at an open mic at school and started talking from there. Around mid-July, he became extra distant and I didn't feel like entertaining him anymore. By that time, I had almost complete control over what we did when we hung out and that's something I honestly didn't want, so I stopped being the entertainer. Well, that's the short version...

For weeks I mulled over questions like "Why did he just ditch me like that?" and "Does he even remember a damn thing?" For the second question, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't remember specific significant moments.

The first question digs a bit deeper though and I'll probably never know the exact answer unless I asked him myself. My pride won't let me though. It's been months since we actually spoke to each other.

I'm sure most of us are too nice to let someone go like that. There's only a select few who will tell you exactly what's on their minds as opposed to the cold shoulder or a lame excuse. I felt like I deserved the truth at least, but hey...

Even so, how do you go back to being friends after so much time being apart? I think it's a bit different with most guys, unless he's like your best friend or something. In this case, if we became friends again, it would be his doing because I let my passion for a friendship go a long time ago.

So now I really only see him at mutual organizations and such. I saw him tonight at a workshop and I ended up being more nervous than usual. I hate the feeling, but it only comes when he's there. The whole "out of sight, out of mind" theory works wonders most of the time anyway.

I guess it's simple, like writing poetry. You acquire a muse, you use it, and eventually it goes away.

The lesson will always stay with me and that's probably why I still feel something (non-romantic). I just have a heart and I'm not ashamed of it. Emotion is beautiful and I'm hoping to express it more boldly through this new chapter of my life.

Variety is the spice of life.

How many times have we heard this throughout the course of life? Well it's true. The more people you talk to, the more lessons you learn, the more adaptable you become.

All I know is that I'm keeping my options open. I'm not sure if I actually want a relationship right now. I haven't been in one since freshman year, and I haven't complained much about it. I spent most of my sophomore year unconcerned about finding a special someone, mostly because I was steadily getting over the boy who bruised my heart during the previous semester. I'm a romantic for real, so I crave it sometimes...the security and affection that seems to last forever...

Right now I'm getting to know some more girls. That could be partially because of my "newfound sexuality" and the fact that they're more accessible, I guess. Maybe I'm biased right now lol.

How many is too many though? So far, I've never been in a situation where I've talked to more than two people. I think I can handle more of a challenge though. If most guys can do it, then I can too. I've spent too much time being alone just because I was scared of what people would think if I tried to approach them. It's do or die these days...or in the sincere words of T Jones on From G's to Gents: "It's do or die! Or in this case do AND die! Hell, who knows?"

Sand in my shoes

"Beauty is in the eye of love
Uninhibited, intense
Fresh like the high tide..."

I came up with that when I was at the beach the other night. I went with some "friends," but I ended up standing near the waves. I didn't mind... mostly. It was actually quite the poetic experience. At first, I was afraid of getting my feet wet, but I inched closer and planted my flip flops in the sinking wet sand. I started singing "Sand in My Shoes" by Dido (mostly the chorus) repeatedly to myself, then realized that there wasn't anyone close enough to hear me so I sang like I didn't care. I looked over and saw the girl I once touched having fun with her friends and felt more alone than ever. I took out my mp3 player and started playing "Lost & Found" by Ledisi, which is one of the most beautiful lonely songs ever. I listened to it a couple of times while I let the sandy water wash over my feet and ankles. At times, I would stand on my tiptoes and let the remaining water slide off my flip-flops. At one point, I was reminded of the ending of the novel The Awakening and how Edna (I think that's her name...the main character) watches the waves before she gives herself to them. I could almost relate to that moment.

If I didn't love life and the possibilities of the future so much, I probably would've given myself away right there.

But I didn't. I know that there are amazing things (and people) waiting for me in the future.

At times like those, a lot of things run through my head and it's hard to catch every thought. Like now...I wasn't aware that this entry was going to turn out the way it did.

Ah, such is life.

Let's just have a laugh about it...

Hello old and new friends...

This may surprise some of you, but...I'm bisexual.

So I'm officially a greedy one, and I don't mind. I can now say I've had both sides (one more so than the other). I'm not sure what to think, but I know I'm not as straight as they come.

To my girlfriends: No, I don't like you like that. If I did, you would have known by now. I know y'all will love me regardless.

For those who are just getting to know me...

I'm a poet, lover, and a constant inspiration.

More to come later.