Forgive me first love...

So Alex and I were briefly discussing online dating last night, and I instantly thought of my first love. I was 16, a junior in high school. I remember writing love letters to him in my AP English class. We had a strong connection. At that age, I was just a girl: overlooked and ignored. He knew exactly who I was and never had to set foot before me. That's right. My first love was purely emotional. He lived in Chicago while I resided in Virginia. I already knew my parents wouldn't understand (they're still anti-meeting/getting to know people online), so seeing him was out of the question. Regardless, it was my first relationship experience that builded my love of romance. We still keep in touch today, yet we both lead busy lives. Even though the feelings I felt almost four years ago (Jan. 11, 2005) have evolved into a precious friendship, I will always remember...

(will edit this later)

Star Light Star Bright (serious work in progress)

It started off with a simple nursery rhyme

One night

She whispered wishes out her window

In hopes of curing her quarter-life crisis

Daylight brought an unforgettable opportunity

Of obtaining the first man

Reminiscent of fairy tale heroes

Confidence opened her heart

She expressed her dreams

While he was stuck on reality

Though they met mindsets on love at first sight

By sunset, she knew she found the one

She promised herself

First star she’d see tonight

She’d thank it

For the death of may and might

(Though her gratitude was for naught

At least for tonight)

Now she buries her head in pillows

So the stars won’t hear her cries

Blinding balls of light

Searing flesh under unsuspecting eyelids

Every touch from him

Choking her

Suffocating thoughts

Resuscitating fear

In trails of trampled emotions at his feet

Surrendering to nonexistent gods

Who would inflict such pain

Scarring a precious life

Just because she believes in

Star light star bright?

***

Compliments/comments/criticism is greatly appreciated!

Lessons for the Boys

Subject line aside, I'm extremely happy. If this man keeps impressing me, we may have a situation on our hands...and I think I'd like it a lot.

I've interacted with quite a few males within the past couple of weeks. I've been impressed as well as practically sick to my stomach when checking them out (pictures + profile). Here are some rules for impressing me (and probably every girl with a good head on her shoulders):

1. Have an opinion. I don't just want admirers. I want us to talk about the arts (poetry, music, etc.) and anything else under the sun. Surface conversation doesn't do it for me anymore. For example, there's this one dude who loves me and is already talking about how wonderful it would be if we were together. First off, you've never seen me before in life. You only have a handful of pictures to go off of, and 95% of them are head shots. I sent him the poem I posted last week and all he can say is "that's a beautiful poem." I can't accept that. I am deeper than that. Goodbye.

2. Read my profile and prove that you read it. Okay, I'm not going to give you a reading comprehension quiz, but come on. Not everyone wants to date someone simply because he/she is a 10. I surely don't want that. Get a feel for who I am. Most of the basic questions you want to ask are already answered on my profile. If you ask me a bunch of obvious questions in a row, I'm going to know that you didn't read a damn thing. You lose points for that.

3. Going beyond the picture. My picture does not define me. If I were to take a picture of every angle, chances are a lot of people wouldn't respond to specific ones. I already know how important appearance is to some people, but I'm more than that. You can't tell me what type of person I am based on a cute smile. Looks are deceiving. I'm an exception. I have a pretty face with a personality to match.

4. Know my limits. At the bottom of every profile, there are specific guidelines in order to contact me. The age range I'm interested in is 18-26. Please tell me why this 28-year-old man still tries to contact me. There may be exceptions to the rule, but for now, I'm sticking to my limits. Please respect them. It's not you, but then again, maybe it is...Edit: (2:20-ish) Dude just tried to message me again. Honey, give it a rest...

5. Have at least a high school mastery of the English language. You already know how I feel about chat speak. It's not attractive to me. It's okay if you didn't go to college. It's not for everyone, but I need someone who is at least close to my level. More than five spelling errors may subject to complete evasive action of your messages.

For the most part, I'm just looking for friends. I feel like things may go deeper with one particular friend, but that's an exception to the rule. That's another blog topic that I may touch on in a few days. I'm just going to let this new feeling marinate a bit for now.

Refreshing Cadence.

I feel like those two words sum me up right now. I'm that girl that you want to be around.

I'll make you laugh and smile. People who don't do those often are not living life properly.

I'm intelligent. Chat speak is cool in the few necessary circumstances. I don't think it's cute when you're trying to impress an intelligent person like myself. Saying that you're the baddest whatever and you're making that money doesn't impress me. That's why I end up surpassing a lot of people on networking sites. I think if you're making something of yourself and you're trying to make a good first impression, you wouldn't do that.

I'm real. What's the point in getting to know people when you're putting on a fake image? I'm just me. I mean, I am reserved at first, but if you show interest in me, then I'll return the favor. And what's with people not saying what they mean? If someone tells you to call them, he/she should mean that. Opposite day is not cute.

I'm gaining confidence in myself. Ultimately, if I don't feel good at the end of the day, how am I going to get anywhere? I've had confidence since I started writing poetry. And it's showing now. During my audition, I had so much command in my presence that was above any performance I've ever given in the past. They even asked me if I wanted to act.

Refreshing, no?

Alex actually mentioned the word cadence while we were waiting to audition the other night. I have an interesting rhythm with words. And I also just go to the beat of life. Whatever comes, I accept it. Life's rhythm is what you make it, am I right?

Last night, I went to Carrabbas for a birthday get-together. One of my friends asked everyone what they wanted to accomplish in 2009. We were just talking about how I fell hard from the gym fix I had spring semester. I mean, there's nothing wrong with being comfortable with the way I am. I've always been used to being a plus-sized girl. I probably always will be, and I have no problem with that. I just need to be healthy. That falls under my main goal, which is changing for the better. I still have some things to work on. I'm so glad that the people I care about can see how much I've grown and matured into the person I am today.


I'm not sure if I believe in alter-egos. Every part of me is still me. No need for fancy names. But maybe a name will come to me one of these days. I actually like the word "cadence," so maybe I'll stick with that. Suggestions Alex? Lol

My default poem

Disclaimer: This is not a personal poem in the sense of this happened to me. That's all. Enjoy.

Blind Submission

I'm staring into this space called life
But my vision is blurred
In black and blue
Bruises to my pride

Your fingerprints on the side of my neck
Leave me
Worthless

A love song choked of life
A ballad torn from emotion

Clothes torn as
Casualities of your anger

The fire in your eyes
Makes me wanna disappear in a cloud of smoke

But what did I do wrong?
Why am I your bleeding target?

Because of you
I face the world with
Fresh scars under makeup
Drowned in tears

I'm living a slow death
Raised by brass knuckles
And verbal warfare

This is me...

Surrendering in the corner
To the soles of your shoes
Marking my body with rainbow colors

Blood kissing the hard floor

But all I can see is white...

***

P.S. I just auditioned with this poem for the Black Extravaganza. I have a good feeling about this...

Ex-cetera. (fav blog of all time.)

I originally was just going to give some advice to a friend of mine, but in turn, I've had one of the greatest epiphanies with just a few simple statements.

We all have history with people. Finished business. Lingering pain. These are some of the symptoms from dealing with ex-friends, ex-lovers...ex-cetera (cute, no?).

I realized a few days ago that it's been about eight months since I was involved in a connection that will probably affect me for the rest of my romantic life. I still think about it almost daily, whether it's positive, negative, or just for the sake of revelation (in this case). I don't consider myself obsessed (that's a term only used when your friends are tired of hearing about said subject).

I had a similar experience with my ex-boyfriend freshman year (almost 2 years ago). We broke up during the winter and I completely got over it probably during the fall of that same year. I had my (necessary and unecessary) poetic outbursts, my naive threats at backstepping, and my own inspirational speeches. Maybe history is repeating itself.

Now I'm constantly reminded of why I'm in this current mental/emotional stage. The only difference now is that I wasn't in love and I was quite aware of the occasional overpowering lust inside of me this past summer. I'm just amazed at how much I've discovered in something so temporary.

At this point, I don't care what he thinks about me or our past situation. I know that I am beyond being the person I was during the summer. I don't regret what happened. I just know that I'm in a completely different place now. I used to wish for an experience similar to the moments we had, but I'm aware that it's nowhere near possible. I no longer have feelings for him, so what would be the point? I'm not in a stage where I will beg and/or explain myself when I will most likely receive nothing in return.

I deserve the world. I deserve friends who care. I already have the latter. I don't need anything less than that.

I'm seeing the beauty in the struggle. Coincidentally, I had to give a presentation based on that theme this morning (on a religious level). Religion aside, I believe in myself. I believe that someday I will find someone who truly understands what I've overcome and what I'm in the process of overcoming.

"One step at a time
I feel better
I can smile at it now
I feel better...

And even a little is still better..."

~ "A Little Better" Gnarls Barkley

You will never understand the level of my pride right now. I love this feeling. I wish I could feel it all the time.

Talking vs. Texting

I have come to terms with being a textaholic. I've had a cell phone for a little more than two years now, and it just keeps getting worse lol. I vaguely remember sending my first few text messages, but I'm one of the types who text freakishly fast and I reply to about 99% of the messages I receive.

Most of us don't want to socialize anymore. Why call to say hello when we can just text "hello"? Sometimes it's necessary. As busy as life gets sometimes, texting is a convenience. However, I'm starting to see the downfalls of it.

I know people who can text for days like me, but some of us are way too busy to text. Others just don't care for it. The main problem I see is keeping up an interesting conversation with certain people.

We start with simple greetings and ask about what the other person is doing. Sometimes it's hard to get past that, especially with those you just met.

Not all people are going to be lively and engaging through text messages, even though they are that way in person. Let's present the examples of two girls that I met within the past month or so.

Lisa (see the "She told me I was beautiful" entry) is a pretty cool chick to talk to in person. We check in on each other via text from time to time. Our text conversations are mostly basic, unless I just feel like presenting a random topic such as Leather and Lace (a local novelty store lol). During the past holiday break, I was trying to go see her, so I would text her concerning if she was free that day. Our deepest conversation to date occurred on the morning after club night, where we talked about anything and everything while laying next to each other. (*sigh*)

I've only known Ken for a few weeks. I met her through some friends and we hit it off pretty well. We exchanged numbers and we would text each other almost every day. That was pretty basic as well. After about a week or so, she stopped texting and I was a bit offended, but at the same time, our text conversations were superficial. I can accept that.

So most are probably thinking "Why don't you just call the girl?"

Because of my texting epidemic, I rarely call people (outside of my mom and sis). I keep in touch with most of my friends with texts and I see most of them at least once a week. I usually don't think about calling people unless I have a definite reason to ("call me" text, missed call, birthday, etc.). I'm either already with a friend or just doing something that diverts my mind from thinking about calling said person. I want to change this, especially when it comes to people I want to get to know better (friends or potential lovers) who I can't see on a regular basis.

If I had to pick between the two, I would pick talking (even though there is a time and place for texting). There's nothing better than a long phone conversation that has no bounds on topic matter. It's been too long since I've had one of those. Once the stress of school calms down, I'm determined to have a late night phone session at least once a week.

I could never quit texting, but I promise to work on creating a healthy balance for both.