Letter to Love Life's Editor Part 1: Things I'll Never Say

Dear former friend,

We're all human. I'm sure you know that, but I think I had to reinforce that for myself. I don't regret meeting you and being with you. I feel that most people that come in and out of our lives teach us something, whether we're aware of it or not. Before you and our faded friendship, I thought that all relationships were formulaic. You meet someone new, you and that person become attracted to each other, and then eventually once both of you are sure of yourselves, a relationship ensues. I was hoping that was going to be us. I feel that the strength of that hope (as well as pride) was so great that I couldn't take any form of negativity from you. At first, I dealt with the fact that you had to be alone for a while, whether you said it or not. I took our last facebook message thread as some sort of a breakup since you didn't want to see me for a while. "We don't have to see each other" was the confirmation. After seeing that, I was tired of trying with you. All I wanted was for us to be on the same page, even if we were just friends. The power of your indirectness is probably what has fueled my fire for a while. Since you (indirectly) rejected my feelings, I directly took my angry feelings and controlled them in the only way I knew how: writing. I wasn't angry to the point where my heart pumped overtime, but it would have been a better excuse considering how much negativity I've written about you. It was my only way of coping with the feelings I had.

Honestly, I can't say much about your role in our friendship, because only you know who you truly are and what you were feeling during the entire summer. I could make so many assumptions, but then I'd be doing you less of a favor. I just want to apologize for portraying you as less than what you really are. I only know/knew a certain part of you. You are unlike anyone I have ever met. I don't expect us to be friends again. This may be a "no turning back" point, and it has been for me. I know that we're not romantically compatible, and I'm fine with that now (well, for a while actually). My pride was what kept me from writing this, and it's almost been a year since I met you (and roughly half a year of coping with the awkwardness).

I thank you for the lessons and reality checks. Now, I have something called a "guard," and I plan on keeping it up while still being a romantic in every sense of the word. I wish you luck in everything that you do.

Sincerely,
Shawnon

P.S. Your Extravaganza performance was great.

The user and the usee.

We've all fallen into these roles at least once in our lives, but I feel that most people use or are used more so than vice versa. I could be classified as a usee, like most nice and caring people out there. Don't get me wrong, I love being who I am. If you deserve my love and attention, it's fine. It's these manipulative backstabbers who need to try somebody else.

My friend was talking to me about this at dinner yesterday. (We're gonna hold off on that for a second since I haven't talked about my life happenings in a good minute.)

So back in September, I was introduced to the girl that charged my sexuality. Unfortunately, mind-blowing sex did not ensue from our reckless first night endeavor. Our involvement was placed in the trash while I had to sit back and watch her obsession with another girl. It wasn't much of a heart wrencher, considering that we didn't know each other that well and that we were never in a relationship. Eventually I got over the fact that what we had was a one-time thing. We simply were acquaintances for the most part, and I was fine with that.

Along the way, I became involved with another girl. Before it happened, I never even thought it was possible. We had crazy chemistry and that's why it worked. Anyway, several weeks ago, I went to the club with my friends (including Girl #1) and ended up seeing Girl #2 and catching up with her, already aware that she was a temporary buddy and nothing more.

So one night last week I was minding my own business online when Girl #1 popped up in my facebook chat, which happens .5 times out of 10. We start a casual conversation then some aimless flirting occurred. Not too long after that, she tells me that she was eyeing Girl #2 and I at the club in a semi-jealous manner (she swears she wasn't jealous). Then she went on to tell me that she had been thinking about me ever since. Now that shocked the hell out of me, maybe even to the point of stupidity thinking that we were going to gradually make our way into possibly the greatest relationship of all time.

The next day, I got these extra giddy/cute text messages from her. It seemed a bit much at first, but then I didn't care since I hadn't received any attention like that in a long time. We chilled later, but it was nothing more than reclining on the couch and me trying to find something to do after she fell asleep.

After that, our text messages became less memorable and I became worried about our fate. I could feel the hopeless romantic awakening, and I disliked it because the feelings went nowhere. When I asked her where the cute texts went, she said it was because she'd been sick and tired for the past few days. I can understand that. Then she proceeded to tell me that she's talking to other people and that we aren't exclusive.

Okay, I was aware of the latter. You have to feel the other out before you start saying and doing things you may regret. We never had a lot of one-on-one time, and I was hoping to change that. But then when you tell me that you're stable and you're ready to settle down...that gives off a different meaning. First off, we're both 20 years old. The words "settle" and "down" should not be used in the same sentence when it comes to relationships.

The former...well, that threw me for a loop. Now if she told me upfront, it would have been a more gentle blow. I mean, it's somewhat ironic considering the stereotypical "fact" that bisexual people are always talking to other people (Girl #1 is a full-fledged les). Usually my interests come one by one, so I've never been in that situation. So now who do I "talk" to?

So was I smart in reaching out to her? I'm not entirely sure. I'm not bashing myself because I feel like I've been more rational in this situation than any other I've ever been in.

So back to my conversation with my friend. She feels that Girl #1 has been using me. When she first initiated the chat, it just so happened that a lot of things were going on between her and the people she considered to be her friends. So at her lowest point, she reaches out to me because she knows that I will be there for her. Then, once she got herself together, that's when I have to fend for myself again.

All I know is that I'm not a victim. I may have gotten caught up in the fact that she was really feeling me, but I'm not going to allow her to mess up my head just because she might like me again. Before this, I wouldn't have given a damn. If that knowledge wasn't expressed to me, I'd still be that same single girl with loads of confidence and cynicism. For now, I'm just having a moment. I have vented and I vow to put this unnecessary form of nothingness behind me.

Any confusion? Please let me know. If not, I would like to hear your thoughts. User or no user?

Oh lawwwd.

Finally downloaded the first Gnarls cd to my computer and I still remember the things I did while listening to this album one day back in the summer.

Hot damn.

Scratch that. Maybe a lukewarm damn...

The romantic/sexual transformation since then has been drastic and amazing.

I love it.

Greatness.

I can't find this cover anywhere in the free mp3 world. If someone could link me to a download or even send it, that would make my day.

Anti (do not) matter.

How can something so tangible
Fade to black?
The looming shadow took its form
And wrapped me like a winding sheet
Controlling my actions
Inhibitions torn in broken poetry

See the cracks in similes
Mangled metaphors smeared on my face
Like leftover toothpaste

Wiped the marks off with rationale
And closed my eyes
Felt the world around me
Thoughts fused together
And everything made sense:

Your shadows mean nothing.
Intangible like antimatter
Your particles rival mine
Our contact results in unnecessary creations
Equivalent to dust on a new shirt:

You can't touch me.

And even if you became solid again
You'd still be hollow as a drum
I'd make beats on your empty thoughts
Using them for the talentless on Billboard charts.

First poem to grace the new journal.

Staring at scribbles in my coffee cup
Wondering if divination exists in each etch
Like tea leaves

Two connected moons look up at me
Reading my scars
Possibly perceiving more than what I see

Connected at crescent tips
They move at every tilt
Fingertips dying to touch
But rationale refuses the crime
Of tampering with art

(The light in the dark)

Weaving revelation in night's framework:

I am on both sides.

Stimulus Check.

3am
Still awake
Writing songs of loneliness
On crowded looseleaf lines

Give me space
For a lover to fit
Her curves around mine
His protection of my prime

Let my pen please palates
Palabras bounce from my lips to yours
Drink the the decadence of my identity
A sweet cream sliding down your throat

Then hitting your intuitions
Guts churning the feeling
Of guilty pleasure

Your fingertips longing to touch my temples
Mixing physical with mental stimulation
Producing riches beyond belief.

She was so cynical about love...

I'm not feeling love right now. The nearing of Valentine's Day doesn't have much to do with it. I just don't have much inspiration and the demand for a love poem isn't moving me much. I'm currently working on a recession poem now. I can't remember the last time I wrote a poem that had nothing to do with love or some sort of attraction to someone. That's what I'm known for. I've been called the love poet. Maybe I'm just secretly mad because I'm getting any (love). Probably the only love that inspires me is family and friend love and the love that my parents have for each other.

I have parents who were (rival) college lovebirds back in the day and have been together ever since. Weren't they lucky? Now we're living in an oversexed world where college is the place to experiment and put notches in belts more so than finding a husband or wife. I've accepted the fact that most fairy tales don't start in college. I will probably have to get myself together mentally and financially before I could ever find my soulmate. I'm fine with that. I'm in no condition to be engaged or married at this very moment. Hell, I'm just having fun and learning lessons along the way.

I had the most random dream that involved an old friend (boy). It was quite ironic because the lust in that dream will never exist in real life, and the irony also prevails in the fact that I'm more in tune with my girl-loving side lately. Give me a chick on my level and I'll be set for the time being.

I haven't been to an open mic since last semester, and I'm going to change that next week. It's been too long. Open mics are a huge source of my poetic inspiration.

I have a choice to make concerning bringing my poetry to the school forefront. It feels easier to quit, but I guess I'll make my decision after this meeting tonight.

Some of my lovely quirks.

I've done the 25 Random Things list on Facebook that spread like smallpox all over the site. Lately I've just been thinking about tidbits that barely anyone but me know about. So here goes, my heart:

1. I love taking a hot (non-scalding) shower every once in a while. I like how the heat makes my skin feel more vulnerable. I feel like I can see the red undertones in my skin as well. Makes me proud of my Cherokee Indian heritage.

2. I haaaate the sound of squeaky brakes/wheels. They practically surpass the annoyance of car alarms.

3. If I have a song in my head, I tend to keep the beat with my fingertips when I'm bored. I also try to guess which fingertip the last beat will land on.

4. My glasses are a part of my face. I feel insanely weird without them, so I will probably never switch to contacts.

5. I can't sleep well in a bed/couch other than my own. I also can't sleep (75% of the time) with the TV on or if my roommate is moving around in the room. Also, hunger affects my sleep as well.

6. When I'm bored in class, I tend to draw and/or write random words in cursive (as opposed to writing in print like I usually do). I usually just try to draw at random, that is not knowing what I intend to draw as soon as my pen/pencil hits the paper.

**I may update this list, so be on the lookout.

At the moment, I'm elated because I'm done reading for my two hardest English classes. The other night, I had so much reading to do I thought my eyes were going to cross. I'm also insanely tired at the moment, but I'm at the laundromat with my friend so I plan on starting my class journal.

Good day/night.

Unseasonable weather = unseasonable taste.

A semi-warm front has hit the East Coast for a bit and I am not complaining. I could deal with the 60-degree weather attire: T-shirts, short-sleeved hoodies, and even a few dresses in between. But of course, with the unexpected weather shift, there comes the ones who shouldn't have walked out of their house/dorm/apartment with their ensembles in the first place.

I guess all I can say is "Fishnets, skirts, and muffin tops, oh my!"

I still don't understand it. I'm a big girl. I'm smart enough to cover my midsection and rock a smooth, yet still curved figure. Some people need to invest in the sit-down test: When in the fitting room/your private room, put on a shirt with a regular pair of jeans and sit down. If the shirt reveals any rolls or back fat, the you probably shouldn't wear it in public. I don't know. That just seems uncomfortable to me. I know I'm not perfect, but I try my best to rock shirts/jeans that fit and that I can breathe in. I just can't stand seeing girls getting up and walking out of the classroom showing places where the sun (or any form of light) shouldn't shine. Jeans can be another problem. We all know about the low-rise jeans trend. I feel that you have to be a certain size to show those off as well. If a girl has any form of a gut, most likely she shouldn't wear a shirt that just hits the top of her jeans or wear supertight jeans and come home with a dent in the bottom of her stomach.

Bottom line: Cover it up. You'll have less stress that way. It's okay to take risks, but make sure they're practical.

End rant.

Roommate Rant Part 1

There probably won't be a part 2 because I can tolerate her for the most part.

So here's the thing: I hate listening to phone arguments. Most likely they go around in circles and nothing gets resolved. From the sounds of it, roommate and boy used to go out and the dude wants to be friends again, but he can't handle the fact that she has a life and practically no time for him. Now my roomie is cool as hell, but she sounds all kinds of stressed right now. If I was her, I would've hung up the phone a long time ago.

I just can't see how girls can deal with incompetent guys. If you're an intelligent woman, why settle for less?

However, I know as much as the next girl about how kindness can be a weakness sometimes. You let him express his concerns and feelings, no matter how redundant or meaningless to you it may be. I think that's her problem.

Lately, I've been saying/thinking a lot of rude things (saying mostly to friends or myself). It's a matter of keeping a balance between the aggressive and the passive, which is being assertive. That reminds me of learning about drugs in grade school when teachers would show us the three ways of saying no to drugs.

Bottom line: he sounds like an idiot and should never deserve her time, no matter what kind of history they had. What's done is done and it sounds like things would never escalate to that point again. So why the frustrating phone call that will distract me from sleep? Well, at least tomorrow's my late class day.

In the meantime, I need poetic inspiration. However, I do have an idea for a screenplay. Hopefully things will flush out in the writing realm.

(She just hung up the phone. If he calls back, I hope he yells enough to induce laryngitis.)

Poetically deprived.

I just walked to the student center (where our weekly poetry meeting is) and I saw a couple of firetrucks parked next to it and the doors were locked. No worries though. I wasn't prepared.

My friend and I are going to start a music blog one of these days. We both have unique music tastes. I've been craving to blog about particular albums. Here's a list of some of the gems I've found last year (and this year):

1. Gnarls Barkley - "The Odd Couple"
2. The Bird and the Bee - "Ray Guns are not just the Future"
3. The B-52's - "Funplex"
4. Adele - "19"
5. Solange - "Sol-Angel and the Hadley St. Dreams"
6. Q-tip - "The Renaissance"

I recommend them all. For those who have listened to a few (or all) of these, feel free to comment.

That's all for now.

Motivation for the mind?

My determination has gone south for the winter as of late. Since I skipped my two most important classes the other morning, I've wanted to do nothing but sleep. It was hard enough getting out of bed this morning, and I didn't have class until 12. And I was still late for class after a quick run to the caf.

Sometimes I hate my major to death. I really wish I could go back in time and change it, but I can't. I'm not completely sure of what I want to do with it, and with the current state of the economy, I can't spend a year "finding myself" after graduation. It's either go big or go home. I'd rather not stay in my parents' house after graduation if I can avoid it.

Other times, I love my major because interpretation is everything. As long as you have evidence of your claim, you can write about anything. The thing is, writing greatness doesn't usually come that easily. There's brainstorming, free writing, outlining, revising, and oh so much else to encounter before the final product is created (depending on the assignment).

It's all about time management. Every minute can be spent doing something productive, but 75% of the time, we choose not to. Why? Because wasting time is much more entertaining. There are those individuals who do nothing but productive things. I admire them, but most times, they sacrifice a lot of time that can be contributed to a social life. I'd rather have my 3.0 and a life than a 4.0 and be stuck in my room/the library all the time.

I guess it boils down to this: Class is what you make it. Just go regularly, stay on top of assignments, study, and get the grade you deserve. I'm usually not the type who discusses final grades with teachers when it's too late. I accept my mistakes and move on. The scholarship that I was going to going to get my 3.0 for no longer exists, but that doesn't mean I should stop shooting for the stars aka my 3.0, which should only take a handful of A's and B's to get. Plus there's plenty of free money to grab, so I will keep at it.

So let's see if this list of motivations will keep me from facebooking until my eyes cross...

Motivation #1: My parents, aka my second biggest fans aside from myself. They gave me life and the freedom to do whatever in order to make my dreams come true. I was not forced into my major like other kids have been. They support me no matter what. Going to HU has emptied their pockets faster than ever, so it's almost like I need to repay them for this education they've been paying for. If I get rich one of these days, they will be the first I will cater to. No questions asked.

Motivation #2: Those who think African-Americans are still inferior. Unfortunately, ignorance still exists. We can't just laugh in white people's faces just because Barack Obama is our president. There are other influential figures in our lives who have broken their backs to get to where they are today. I am blessed with an education that not enough people will get in their lifetime. Might as well make the most of it.

Motivation #3: A better life for me, myself, and I. I know I'm not perfect, but if I'm trying to go places, I need to use my resources like Bush used Iraq for oil (bad joke I know, but work with me). I need to put myself out there this semester so I can know what I need to do in order to find my dream job and/or apply for grad school. Time is passing quickly and before I know it, senior year will be here and I'll have one more year with the best friends a girl could ever have.

So in order to have my ideal life (or at least something close to it), I need to do my theory homework, no matter how tempting sleep or any other pasttime seems.