Wakin' up at 4 am 'cause lately sleep ain't been my friend...

Whew! What a week being absent from blogging! Some of the end of the year work pile is done, classes are over, and I have a potential summer boo!

The only thing that may be killing me is this deep sleep headache...

I feel deprived considering I haven't written a poem in what seems like ages. Most likely I'll flush one out today.

I guess I'll entertain myself with an end of semester to-do list:

-320 paper
-314 paper
-study for exams
-clean room
-attend conference
-don't be too lazy
-call auntie
-call grandparents
-call old boss (I will be back in the workforce a day after I leave. Trust.)
-pay PC dues
-have fun on campus while I still can

That's pretty much it. I should be touching down again soon.

In the meantime, if you haven't added me on twitter yet, then...shame on you!

http://twitter.com/curiousluvchild

Maybe you'll see the boo up there... ;)

Good morning loves.

Passive-Aggressive.

I had no idea that passive-agressiveness was actually a type of disorder before I Googled it just now. Anyway, disorder aside, I believe this fits me as well as any other breathing human being.

Roughly passive means basically letting things happen (favorable or unfavorable) while aggressive describes one who will do just about anything to get to the next level.

Usually, I am passive in matters I don't care about. One of the symptoms of the aforementioned disorder is procrastination, but that would just mean all of us are at least mildly infected. Anyway, it makes sense. Why would we put our all into something we hate and won't gain anything from? I've had numerous moments in my life (including certain points during this school year) where I could care less if anyone liked me on a romantic level. Since I've been focusing on the aspects of my sexuality, being romantically liked by either sex is a somewhat important issue. Regardless, I'm learning that you have to be your ideal before becoming someone else's. And also, regardless of who you are attracted to, you will attract the same types on either side if you don't get your act together. I can't say that either side is easier to deal with. Pursuing a relationship (not necessarily romantic ones) requires work on both sides. I'm still on the stepping stones, but I will not waste time on someone I know I won't gain anything from. That's why I'm beyond basically any romantic encounters I've had between Spring of last year and now. These people taught me lessons that have influenced my romantic aspirations today.

As for aggressiveness, I will do all in my power to entrance one worth entrancing. And I've learned that every new person I meet doesn't deserve that right away. Sometimes that person can be one you least expect, and I believe it's better off that way. I'll leave it at that. ;)

In other news, I've been fiendin' for the open mic scene. Fuzzys was a bust last Wednesday and I don't have class Thursday morning. I just have to attend senior thesis defenses instead. Some of my friends are talking about going (to Fuzzys) and I believe I am game as well.

I started a poem in class today. We'll see if it'll make it to the masses before the next sunrise.

Much love.

No Sleep 'til...the end.

I am in no mood to catch up on the art of poetry at the moment.

However, I did catch up on some of this work and I'm definitely proud of that.

May have to pause the poetic masses.

I shall be living in the library all week.

The End.

Bonus: Tired Haikus.

Confusion sets in
Overwhelmed with each demand
Time for excess sleep.

***

Heavy eyes hold truth
In a struggling chokehold yet
Sleep controls it all.

Overslept. (16/30)

Stifling snores

Waking up to too much sunlight

Too many voices tapping at my window

Clock readings

Shock me out of bed

Frantically stabbing eject buttons

To escape from half-sleep

Flinging clothes at limbs

(Any will do)

Because I'm out of mercy checks

No mirror checks

Corners of eyes and mouth

Caked with laziness

Falling out the door

Forced to powerwalk on cemented legs

Paralyzed in dream analysis

Running into a fellow latecomer

We exchange 20-second stories

In the elevator

Laughing off the stress

Before falling silent

Entering class

Pupils soak us in like the excess sunlight

Dripping hot messes

Into our seats

And the daze begins.

Randoms.

So I feel wide awake. This isn't good. I have a full day ahead of me.

I really wish I had something profound to blog about.

But I don't.

Random tidbits:
-I'm a bit under the weather (be damned if I have the flu again), so I'ma got back on my vitamin game. Just drank a bit of apple juice, which has Vitamin C so that should help a bit.

-Currently feeling "Whipping My Hair" by Rihanna. Never thought I'd say "feeling" and "Rihanna" in the same sentence.

-Tomorrow is Peer Counselor Orientation. I'm glad that I made it. I thought my interview sucked personally, but I guess not so much.

-Besides my healthy apple and orange juices, I vow to drink solely water. I barely drink soda in the first place anyway.

-I am in love with Sam Sparro. Check out his feel good music! http://www.myspace.com/samsparro

-I hope Blogger won't be down for too long today. I need more comments on my latest poetries.

The End.

Hair Mini-Update.

My hair came out quite nicely last Saturday, and still looked decent after the hair-raising events that went on that night. I don't think I left the Hair Mayo in long enough and I heard adding heat is that business.

I just started putting olive oil on my ends before bunning everyday. I believe I am seeing less breakage that way.

Relaxing day is this Saturday and I'm excited about seeing (and take pics of) a difference since I started my hair journey during Spring Break.

And I'm spent.

Breaking Heart-Chains. (halfway mark! 15/30)

Wish the simple scent of you
Could cure ailments
So I can feel alive and well

Spent my life with a mind of gold
And a heart of stone
Held lighters to both
To see if I could feel

Melt...

Mix desire with spite
Concentrated on the fire
Rather than the corrosive fluids

So now I put love on acid
To feel it
Burn.

Bubble and battle amongst itself

Complex chemical reactions
Fire off at nerve endings
Heighten blood pressure
Peel away layers of pericardium

Promoting open heart surgery
Without the scalpel.

Fists full of tissues
Wondering why the pain masks itself as bliss
Bleeding the color of passion

Satisfaction
Coursing through my arm
Climaxing through my fingertips
Releasing the pulpy burden

Exchanging emotional death
For a tissue-free life.

Why you gotta make it so hard?

It's depressing to talk to my sister sometimes. Tonight's conversation was one of those instances. She doesn't feel motivated to do anything and it scares me. Ultimately, she knows what she wants in life, but she definitely has to work harder in order to obtain those goals. She wants to focus on the present, which includes getting through high school and graduation.

This school year has been rough for the both of us. Sometimes I don't realize what she goes through at home. She's around my mother, who constantly complains about the current financial situation and how every household item is going to shit (maybe it's the 10-year curse), so that's more money down the drain. They even had to "borrow" money from her just so they could pay off crazy bills. That was her car money nonetheless. Regardless, we're all affected by the recession, and maybe that's one of the reasons why she didn't get into some of the colleges she applied to.

I've always had a positive mentality towards hardships and whatnot. I feel like if I was in her shoes, I would deal with the problems and try to better myself instead of being in a vegetative state. Life is not going to change if you don't put in work. And it's not even like she's tried to do anything and is now scared of failure.

I know my strict parents have a lot to do with how she's turned out, but she can still gain some sort of independence even under their roof. Once she's trusted to drive safely by herself, she can commute to community college and hold down the job she's had for the past several months. Once she handles that responsibility, my parents should be able to give her more freedom. It's like she's content with the way things are, even though she is clearly unhappy.

No matter how much I tell her, she's always going to feel this way. And it hurts. She's my best friend and I want nothing but the best experiences for her. But if she doesn't believe in them, then they are not going to happen.

Frankly, I'm tired of hearing it. Unless she wants and desires change and is willing to work for it, we have (almost) nothing serious to talk about.

Send the Pain Below. (14/30)

**finally, one done on time! lol. Please be honest and constructive. Thanks.**

Scar tissue pushes walls
Over the edge
Wishing you saw the pain
Etched under this fragile skin

Starting just as naturally
As gravity
Pulling the liquid down
Our desperate throats

Inhibitions floated
Dissolved and sank
Drinking up the sight
Of you and her

Confused
Swaying with the knowledge
Of playful love

We made music with fingertips
Before voices could even

Process notes
Tips to palms
Then
Palms to thighs
Singing high with low frequency

We harmonized with each other
You, me, and she
Two sopranos and a baritone
Naked voices
Pumping syncopated rhythms
Into my system

Moving
Filling me

A pain so good
I pushed into myself
To feel more of it

A selfish desire
Never doing justice in poetry

Only in your history
You can find
This pain that sends me
Over the edge.

Stream part 2. (13/30)

If I could live every day
Without boundaries, deadlines, and hardships
I'd humble the world with my presence

Music in my ears
Poetry drifting on lips
Pen at fingertips
You
Attached to my heart

Left hand plastered on my chest
Veins vibing with mine
The subtle touch keeping
Our eyes focused

Mine telling you how lovely you are
While yours wonder
Where I've been all your life

Insert cliches
With hints of authenticity
The simple romance
Between two women.

Crazy weekend. Catch-up pt. 2. (11-12/30)

I stand natural
Synthetics dare not touch me
My word is mantra.


***


I love like water
Flowing soaking barren land
Until thirst is freed.

[some] Boys just don't understand.

I had another memorable night that probably won't repeat itself anytime soon. That's another subject though.

I know I'm "new" to the lesbian/bi lifestyle, but I'm already experiencing some of the bothers that vets can attest to left and right, the main one being the fact that straight boys think they can be that renewing and/or lifestyle changing factor.

Instance #1: One of my boy friends asked the threesome question to me and my good friend a few weeks ago. He didn't even have to finish asking the question before I started rolling my eyes. I mean, I'm sure some girls may be into that, but I could never imagine doing that.

That makes me recall a certain topic that was brought up on The L Word during the first season. A random cop was telling one of the male characters about the power of woman-to-woman contact, about how they already know what turns them on because they are built the same. That's probably one of the most memorable scenes to me, as it was also hilarious the way he worded this lesson.

Instance #2: I was hanging with some of my lez girls (and my straight girl friend) at a mutual friend's house. Her nephew asked me if I "stay dykin'." (the grammar dork in me went crazy over that on the inside, and mind you, we were all pretty drunk anyway) I didn't answer because one of my friends started interrogating him in a funny defense. Later, on our way out, he asked me and I don't quite remember what I told him. He dubbed me "confused" and told me that the right man (supposedly talking about himself) could change that. I just laughed and walked out the door as he made his way to the bathroom. And I thought he was cute before...

First off, I believe that sexuality is fluid. I don't believe I am in that "confused" stage anymore. I'm quite aware of what I like and what I don't like. One cannot "turn straight" simply by having relations with the opposite sex. I don't care who you are. If your heart and mind don't come into the mix, it means nothing.

Also, earlier I was just talking to this boy who clearly digs me. I was trying to tell him the least possible without divulging too much information about last night. I told him I "loved on some women" and he asked me what that meant. When I told him, he responded "So you gave head?" ... Like that's the only things that two or more girls do.

I'm tired of talking about this lack of knowledge. The end.

I also wonder about the straight girl's perception on gay men.

Feel free to express any thoughts.

Thirsty Hair.

So I'm one of those confused girls on a healthy hair journey with no idea how her hair reacts in detail with most of the products I've tried. I've spent all my life (roughly 5 years or so of taking care of my own hair--blowdrying and all) without using a protein conditioner (besides Infusium 23 as a leave-in), and I believe my hair needs one bad. My hair has lost some of its well-known thickness and I plan to get it all back ASAP. Today I bought ORS Hair Mayo, and I also bought Creme of Nature Detangling Moisturizing Shampoo, which I heard is a godsend for most. I can't wait to try out everything tomorrow! I would have done it all today if I had known my hair was going to feel this itchy. Ah, the last week of new growth...always the most interesting.

So after lunch tomorrow, it's on. I will definitely post the results during the airdry process.

My eyes hurt so it's time to go. Peace and blessings.

Good Night. (10/30)

Tired eyes take a toll
Fatigue freeing the dream world
Good night to you all.

Finally Finished. (9/30)

You close in on my heart

Just as fast as anyone I've ever loved

For once the script is flipped

While my heart pumped blood
Behind the scenes

My mind fell in love with you

As soon as you told me I was beautiful

On that drunken Saturday night

Where I stumbled into a new world

Of smooth skin

Soft hair

Beautiful lips

And aggressive hands

A touch I've felt twice

And maybe never again

As I sit here

Jill Scott tone running through my head:

"You're getting married?"

Five years and two worlds separate us

But honey, you drew me in like no other

I only remember you

Out of all my nightly affairs

Apprehension never lingered on fingertips

As I tapped text messages into your psyche

Hoping that you'd still remember me
On those lonely days

But I digress...

No need to save face.

***


(I feel that I'm bs-ing this thing. Ah well.)

Beauty bs before bed. (8/30)

What is the formula for beauty?

Every hair tamed
No ounce of oil on the face
Every curve carefully wrapped up
In rich labels

I'd rather not show off
(Much)
Just gradually achieve little things
So the mirror can reflect the quirks.



I sense a cute hairstyle to rock in the future...

Bonus: Stream of Consciousness. (no looking back)

Livin' on poptarts and Ramen noodles
Ain't cuttin' it

I long for the days
Where eyebrow waxes and pedicures
Become a staple in my budget

Instead of throwing dollars
At clubs and "luxury food"
In Subway bags

I'll own franchises and written words
Speak eloquently in any setting
While still being me

Choking on syllables and thoughts
Is getting old at this age

My progression is recorded every minute
Downward slopes slide across a broken pride
And once I make my umpteenth fall,
I look at past bruises
And connect the dots
Leading to my blistered feet
Drain the ignorance
And let the patience heal

Remembering
That tomorrow brings another chance
For a full circle change.

(Shoutie to my girl Ebony who told me to write another poem to rest my tired soul)

Tattoo. (7/30)

She inks poems like tattoos
An amateur artist in the making
Practicing penned pictures on paper
Permanent white corners invaded with black
A void so deliciously divine

Turned to needles because
She wanted a challenge
Progressed from forearms to inner thighs
Loving the way her veins swelled
With the contradicting vibrations

Soon her stomach showed sharp slips
Soft skin mangled with cross-outs

The lines weren't
Perfect
Enough.

So she'd let the tip trip
Across temples

So her mind could start sketching

Expecting masterpieces to come
Like the passing of day
Night shades on curves only created
Frustration

She needed another color.

Tip traveling
Drilling through dermis
Finding red ink underneath
Inspiration

Her fingers raced with the flow
Painting
Covering
Completing
Herself.

(Open to critiques...is the ending too much? Contradicting structures, etc...Be honest)

Catch Up. (5-6/30)

Words fill blank pages
Reluctantly working fast
Appeasing demand.

***


I wish I could write
Something so profoundly true
Books would envy me.


***

(I promise, tomorrow will be better. Bear with me.)

Edit: I'm already feeling the fire of the next one. Trust, it may beat Sweet Tooth.

Whenever you need me...

I'll be here.


You know who you are.


For those who qualify,


My love overflows.

Sweet Tooth Haze. (4/30)

I see the hint of your smile
Behind the straw in your sweet black tea
Sugar-coated teeth makes me wonder
If your lips are just as healthy

The glimmer in my eyes
Favor the sun
Making it sweat
With the heat of my attraction

I slip into a hazy daydream...

Where the allure of my gaze
Brings you to your feet
Approach me
Then slowly fall to your knees
Like a worshipper to his deity
My supernatural hands touch your own
Move you back to your soles

Proving we are just as equal...

I rise to my senses
And feel the curve of your lips
Against mine
Saccharine
Grinding palates
Forming a cream too sweet to swallow
Too delicious to spit

So I sit
Anticipating the cavities
You'll soon fill up again.

Ready for the challenge to be the best (me).

I believe I am overlooked way too much. I'm too great for you to just bypass me as the shy girl who claims to be a poet. Y'all already know how amazing I am, so this statement need not apply.

Anyway, this is cramming month and I have loads to do between now and exams. A lot of what I have to do depends on my diligence and discipline as opposed to just attending class and obtaining information.

Even with all that current and oncoming stress, I'm going try my best to finish this monthly poetry challenge. I've felt like I haven't been close to my craft like before and I've learned that sometimes inspiration has to be forced. For example, I wouldn't have written a poem about my neck cramp earlier if I hadn't had one at that moment (still coping with it). I've had some poems on the backburner for a while, and I'm hoping to flush and bring them out as well.

Anyway, this cramp is killing me. Despite the gorgeous day, I'm going to lay down in hopes of the pain subsiding at least a little bit.

Enjoy your day, my dear.

Neck cramp. (3/30)

I sit
Cold
Statuesque
Making 99% of my moves discreet
As the sun peeks
And the wind beats
At my window

(You made this come to life)

As I tossed and turned
Then finally rose
Head merely inches from my pillow
When the heavy burden brought it back down

(I only wanted to switch sides)

Twisting limbs in perfect shapes
To tame the beast
Holding me down
With invisible bars

While accidental sudden moves
Caused a beating against my neck
That I'll never forget

(Why the stress?)

Shower heads and ibuprofen
Can only do so much
So I hope on this spring day
You can beautifully alleviate the pain.

(I thank you kindly in advance)

Free. (2/30)

Free to be poetry
Reveling in inked journals
Every mistake a new inspiration
Elegant in unforgettable deliveries.

***

100th post! Yayyy!!


*passes out*

Guess I should start up this challenge again...

I have so many unfinished poems. I need to get inspired quick. For now, we have the first installment of the Poetry Month 30/30!

Please don't tell me
That true love is only found
By simple 5-second scannings of personals

We live in a world of computer love
Internet euphoria
One keeping it real
While the other fabricates fables
In myspace angles

Behind bright resolutions
Lies a girl who longs for understanding
A duality she only finds in novels
Citing symbols to shape her heart

Come

Find

Me.

Going on to St. Elsewhere.

It's been a while since I've said/blogged something significantly profound.

I caught on to the universal addiction that was "Crazy," and even put the St. Elsewhere album on my computer. I listened to it, but it just sounded weird to me at the time. Then the summer of '08 came, and a friend of mine re-introduced them to me via their latest album, The Odd Couple. Of course, the very first time I listened to it I had other things on my mind besides song meanings and such. Eventually, I loved every song for its unique portrayal of emotions that everyone can relate to.

Like I've mentioned in earlier blogs, "Going On" has two meanings in my head. That's one of my all-time favorite songs of theirs. I just started really listening to the first album beyond the trippy beats and voice changes. I was listening to the title track and instantly formed a connection between that and "Going On." (The musical/poetic English major in me) I still gotta work on it, as I haven't listened to "St. Elsewhere" nearly as much as "Going On."

GO (Going On) is more of an aggressive statement. The loudness of the rock influence preps the listener for something powerful. Cee-lo sings about leaving someone he loves so that he can progress on his walk of life. Clearly the individual he is speaking to is slowing him down. Life is ultimately about leaving people behind that are bringing us down. That song is my anthem. It really got me through the burdens I had during the last half of '08.

SE (St. Else) has a more relaxed vibe. He left town, and he clearly misses his love as he wants her to visit him. This song describes the setting more as opposed to his journey like in GO.

How do they connect musically? If you listen closely in both songs, you'll hear a certain vocal nuance. I'll leave that up to any dedicated listener.

For now...I'm out. I'll edit with more insights when they arrive.

Spoilers.

Some topics to watch out for:

- The greatness also known as Gnarls Barkley
- The friend zone
- Broke Phi Broke
- Let's "talk."
- More poetry to come (as it's in fact National Poetry Month <3)

Good night/day all.