I love this girl!

She betta preach!

Churning.

Never again will I have a ham and 3-cheese omelet from IHOP after getting drunk just a few hours before...

So we all have our significant hook-ups. Some people hold their firsts close to their hearts. Honestly, I really don't. I can't remember a play-by-play of my first time with a guy and my first time with a girl wasn't all that special.

Girl #2, however, rocked that thang like...(excuse the elementary language, but it's true)

I saw her tonight at the club and I danced with her until they kicked out all the underage people. I just feel so comfortable with her, but our attraction doesn't go beyond the sexual, and I'm fine with that. She has a girl now, so I wouldn't cross the line with her...even though she was sexy in that blue dress.

I first stumbled into her when I went into the bathroom and I saw another girl I knew as well. They were talking and somehow got tangled while #2 had a lit cigarette in her hand. Somehow the burned end touched my forearm and it started hurting like hell. I have a burn mark there now, and it's like the physical version of the impression she had on me. I will always remember the way we came together: How splayed hands demonstrated our drunken demeanor, the way she said how beautiful I was and sounded ironically sober, the way I dance like a pro only with her...I could go on, but it's an amazing feeling, even though I'm not emotionally attached to her. I can't imagine how I would've defined myself if I hadn't experienced anything with her.

I couldn't get this feeling from a stranger. Perhaps this is something I've always wanted in someone (well, one of the main factors).

If I wasn't so drunk, I'd feel a poem coming on.

For now, I'm just waiting for my food to settle so I can go to sleep peacefully.

I did start a poem at the house party Friday night though. Keep your eyes peeled.

Hope everyone had a relaxing and fun-filled weekend.

Fluid.

I've always been the type that goes with the flow for most situations. Since my extension of my sexuality, I've just gone to where my desires take me.

Point blank: I like girls. Is that wrong? Of course not. I still think that I could be attracted to the right guy, but who's looking for right these days anyway?

It doesn't bother me that I've jumped off the straight train. I was raised a certain way and now I'm learning for myself. It's so easy to place labels on everything and everyone, though there are those who are label-less or happen to fit multiple molds.

I think it takes a greater person to be fearless and follow his/her heart. Some people are forced to be confined, regardless of what passions pump blood into their veins. I am blessed to have this experience, and I will continue to be blessed with more in the future.

Bi, Pan, Les, Gay, Whatever...

As my friend stated, I love love, and I believe I could find it in just about anyone who could care as much for me as I do for myself.

Keep flowing...

Increasing my Bi-Q...

I found this quite interesting and relevant. I may buy their book over the summer.

(posted from bisexualguide.com)

Bet you didn’t know...

33 percent of bisexuals are in hetero relationships

20 percent are in homosexual relationships

25 percent are in no relationship

10 percent are with a man

10 percent are in multiple relationships of all kinds at the same time

35 percent of bisexuals previously considered themselves gay or lesbian


Oh, and Sandra Bernhart said it best:

"I’ve had long-term sexual relationships with both men and women. If that classifies me as bisexual, then I’m bisexual. I’m very committed to people, so when I’m with somebody, I’m with them.”—The Advocate

Hmm, ok Natalie Portman...

"I think it’s much more the person that you fall in love with—and why would you close yourself off to 50 percent of the people?”—Rolling Stone

Love to hate the feeling (Part 1.5)

As I am blessed to not have Advanced Writing today, I am too tired to process anything in preparation for my next class at 11. That class is killing everybody, as the reputation persists.

Today I'm going to get advised for my last fall semester of my undergrad career and apply for graduation in 2010. Can you taste the realness? I already have senioritis, and I've had a history of early prognosis back in high school. I know I have to get these grades up, even if it means not having a life.

I also need to plan out how next year's going to go. I'll be commuting and working for the first time. I'll probably be working mostly weekends and at least one day out of the week, depending on how demanding Thesis is. I would love to take two summer classes so my credit number can go from 30 to 24 (maybe even 21 if I can test out of this Spanish class). I already know that Thesis alone is going to take up a lot of time, so I need to be ready.

Future aside...well, living and only thinking in present terms can only last so long. The stress of thinking of all the possible things I could be doing instead of blogging is mind-blowing. There really aren't enough hours in a day.

I don't even know if I'm going to do grad school yet. I need to know by the end of this semester so I can do my extensive research over the summer. Unless I can get a full/partial ride, I don't even know if I'm going to consider it. There's already enough stress on my parents.

Okay, I don't want to think about this anymore (at least until I get advised later at 3:30).

My head hurts something fierce.

Experimentation without the possible STD's.

So recently I've gotten into experimenting with my hair. I'm sitting here with my hair bagged (in a shower cap) and full of V05 Moisture Milks Strawberries and Creme condish. I'm trying this brand out for the first time, and this is the second time I've prepooed. I'm probably going to do so on a regular basis now because I've heard wonders about it. In about 10 minutes or so, I'ma wash this out (after roughly an hour of leaving it on dry hair), apply some of my medicated dandruff shampoo, co-wash with the same condish, then deep condition under blow dryer heat for probably 30 minutes. I'm going to apply a bit of the V05 condish as my moisture leave-in along with my Infusium protein leave-in.

I'm addicted to reading about hair care now, and I hope I can get on a regular regimen by the summertime.

Will post the verdict later.

Diet/Exercise Blog?

I'm thinking of making one as opposed to wasting trees on various lists of food. I'm a blogger whore anyway, so why not?

Feel free to post any cute blog title ideas or concepts.

So far, I'm functioning on about 3 hours of sleep with no nap in sight and all I've eaten today is a banana before class and some Ramen noodles afterwards (cram lunch as I finished my paper due at 2). I'll probably get some food after this class considering the fact that my stomach is still growling as I type.

I plan on prepooing (conditioning before shampooing hair) and such once I get back to the room, and then air dry.

Hopefully I can get some good sleep tonight so I can have another good workout in the morning. I have a buddy now, so I have that much more support.

Good day.

Day One of World Change.

I'm going to start a food journal once I find an old notebook. But for now, here's my first day's progress:

Breakfast: Cherry pop-tart

Workout at 9 am - about 18 minutes of walking/fast walking and 15 minutes of biking and like 5 minutes of weight lifting (chest press and some other arm thing)

Lunch: Turkey sandwich, mixed fruit, banana, salad, water

Snacks: Strawberry Vanilla Chewy bar, Gushers, and the occasional Jolly Rancher

Dinner: Chicken wrap, Caesar salad, peaches, banana, and like a 1/2 inch worth of cheese potatoes... and a bit of ice cream (soft-serve vanilla)...oh and water

Post-dinner: Lil' bit of my friend's cheesy bread (already feeling the junky effects of it) and a can of mountain dew

...not bad, I guess. I was just extra tired while trying to do this essay, so I was trying to stay awake for a bit. I'm ecstatic because it didn't take much for me to wake up early when I didn't have class until noon. As long as I keep this up every MWF morning, I should be good. I have gained too much weight this past year and I need to be more aware and what I eat and binge on.

And so it goes...

Change [my] world one day at a time.

These bad habits need to stop (eating because I'm bored, procrastinating, etc.).

Looking at my midterms grades then closing the window as fast as possible made me realize that I need to gradually settle into a better lifestyle.

Here are my goals for the rest of the semester:

-Save money like it's going out of style (rich is the new broke)
-Study like my Facebook status depends on it (that'll get me)
-Get up every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning and go to the gym (gotta get my metabolism going again)
-Stop being so closed up when I don't feel comfortable (no more social "safe" zones)
-Be assertive (and aggressive when appropriate)
-Don't let any boy or girl I like/love/can't get my hands off of get in the way of my dreams (well duh)

And so on and so forth...

I'm going to explain this to my friends so they can build up the motivation so I won't fall off as fast as the average person.

Best wishes to me and to you, the imperfect people I love.

Scraps of a romantic psyche.

(let me add...I should go blogging in Starbucks more often...Doing so with a black tea at my side makes me feel like more of a writer.)

I.

My mind is filled with your heartbeats
Blood pounds to their rhythm
Served in senses
To touch bases with your understanding

I crave the scent of precious sex
Permeating pores
Seeing the impossible turned reality
Through eyes of imagination

I want to taste you
Outside of dream barriers
Sift fingers through your hair
Then gradually sway them lower

Hear your inhibitions dwindle to a whisper...

Feeling raw screams
Penetrate layers of confidence
Forgetting the found
While taking in lost pleasures

Once you mold your identity into mine,
Beautiful collaborations will coexist.


II.

We started off on shaky ground
An attraction that led to new epiphanies
Free love to comfort a once close-minded heart

Now a complement to my romantic light,
I hope that our power
Can surpass a sunset's allure
Drawing in people beyond
Beyond beaches and backyards.


III.

Birds and bees no longer apply
I attract ones with wings like my own
Since shooting stars lined up at my door
For dances with possible fates

Long gone from a cage,
I drink from exotic places
And imagine green skies and blue grass
Wondering if people would see the world differently
If we would still believe in hate
For those who chase meteors and comets
Instead of stars
Even though they share the same light.

(Okay, which ones are more promising? And suggestions for continuation/revision are always welcome.)

Quick update.

Home for break. Unseasonably hot in VA. Long the company of the outside. In library now. Internet at home sucks. Don't bother. Lots of incomplete poetry.

May have a girlfriend soon.


Yep.


And she's more needy than I am.


Time to buy a fitted.


Just kidding.



I hope this will change my life.

Letter to Love Life's Editor (Part 2): Subliminal Messages or Full-Fledged Reality?

Dear evergrowing/changing sexuality,

You surprise me everyday. One of my best friends just told me last night that she could see me married to a girl and I could actually visualize myself being an aggressive femme. While that's all well and good, I would like to know where you stand. I haven't felt like a straight girl since junior year started, and I'm happy with that. I like the fact that I can be open to new experiences. I'm just wondering where this year will take me. I feel as if I'm slowly transitioning to the other side. I can't say that I am just yet because I'm not completely sure of myself right now.

It's time for some new attractions, or at least a reinforcement of current attractions.

I say this because this is the only way I'll know whether I'm still a dual soul or if I have a particular preference.

I want to let you know that I'm only doing this for me. I'm am aware that your changes are for no one but me. You are influenced by rainbows and neutral colors, but ultimately it's just you and me. You are a part of me. You define my romantic world and my heart defines you.

Regardless of the future verdict, I'm glad that we're more in touch with each other. Home life was stifling and only taught me that men are meant for women and vice versa. Meeting people of various cultures and lifestyles has taught me that that's not necessarily the case. I'm following my heart no matter what because if I'm not happy, I know you won't be happy.

Maybe this is your way of telling me that labels are for cans...but we'll see in due time.

Love Always,
Shawnon

Taking a break from theory synthesis...

So I'm thinking about the fact that it's March already and that tomorrow is my mom's birthday, which gets me thinking about how close my parents are in age (they're 10 days apart--11 on leap years). They will both be 48 years old once tomorrow hits. It's amazing how much my family has grown. I'm finishing up my junior year in college, my sister and I will both be in college next school year, and my brother is officially a teenager.

About ten years ago, we started a new life when we made the move from Virginia Beach to Chesapeake (about 20-25 minutes away from our old house). My sister and I were too young to realize the reasons we were going to live in a new area. Mostly it was because of the school system, and the middle school that I would have gone to was known to be quite troublesome. The move wasn't all bad though. I only had a couple of good friends back in Va Beach. Even after the move, I didn't make a bunch of friends at once. I had about three good friends a year, and then the number rose slightly once high school hit.

So back to my parents. They're been married since '85, so that'll make 24 years in August. They were school rivals as well. My dad was at Hampton and my mom was at Norfolk State when they met. I'm not sure about the details, but I'm lucky that I have them. I know that they're going to be together for the rest of their lives. They're like the best of friends. Despite the fact that they're afraid for my siblings (eventually) and I (now) being outside of home, they mean well.

My mother is like one of my good friends, but I've become a bit distant, but I guess that comes with age and having more of a social life and responsibilities. I used to talk to her on the phone every single day. Now it's more like every other day, roughly. I can't tell her everything I've done now. I mean, of course we change and test the waters of our limits once we move away from home, but I don't want her to worry. I know that my dad and her trust me to make good decisions while I'm here. I've made plenty of mistakes and I've learned from most of them.

I've gotten closer to my dad (even though our bond can't match mom's) through being at college. He's the one who usually takes me home and back on certain weekends, and we have about 40-45 minutes to talk about anything. He's a cornball and I love to laugh, so it works. He can also be serious, especially when it comes to health and family matters. I believe he studied Health and/or Physical Education at HU. Anyway, he is a constant support system. His mother's been in and out of the hospital since October and he's always been there for her, even during the times when her mind hasn't been in the right place. I know he has lost weight and sleep when her health was at a low point. Most of his days would consist of him spending all day in the hospital and then going to work all night. I know I owe him everything, and I will be there for him just as much as he's been there for me and the rest of our family.

Times have been rough for us lately. My dad's been working more and going through training just so he can get paid more. My mother's the one who handles the bills (she was an Accounting major), so I'm usually hearing about money issues through her. I'm going to commute next year so I can save them some money and so that I can live more independently money-wise. Also, I can help out at home more. My mother's constantly in and out of the house, and it would be nice if I was home more so her load could be significantly lightened.

I realize more and more each day about the value of family and I wish my sister could understand at least half of it. She always seems ungrateful and unhappy. My dad's told me that it's easier for him to talk to me than talking to her. Sometimes it seems like she doesn't even like him. I mean, I know he's overprotective and overbearing at times, but there's other things that outshine that. My sister and I are the best of friends (always have been since we were younger), but our personalities are quite different. I feel that once she starts having the college experience, she's going to learn a whole lot more and stop being so naive and ungrateful. I think that's something that she needs to come face-to-face with on her own. Sometimes that's the only way people learn.

And she needs to watch this video:



Bottom line: I love my parents because they prove that they love me every waking day, and that's something I will never forget. That's one thing that I'm eternally grateful for.







(These pics are from summer of '06, back when I just graduated from high school. Omg. Time flies.)