My Hair Story.

Boycotting against the chemicals
20 weeks in
And I'm already waist deep in the struggle

Coexisting rivalries fighting for a savior
Everyone wants me to choose a side
Straight moral conformity vs. rebellious curly exotica

Thought I could hide behind flat irons
But I couldn't take the heat
Combs turned to fingers
To ease detangling growing pains

I'm trading in the sulfates and blow dryers
For butters and creams
In my sable S-curled dreams
That my family can't understand

I want to let the ignorance grow out.

And before I let the scissors take siege,
I want to know the real me.

What She(a) Did for Me.

Yes, I am convinced that shea butter would be a woman in human form because it's smooth, soft, and there is no hardness when she's resting against my skin.

I probably saw raw shea butter for the first time when my friend let me use some about a year ago. It smelled odd to me and made my hands shiny. I've probably had my $6 16 oz. tub for about a month now and I feel like it's one of the best investments I've ever made in my life. Here's why:

1. A little bit goes a long way. Cliche, but true. Seriously, I probably need my single fingerprint span for my hair and hands (respectively). Perhaps a little more for my feet though.

2. It lasts forever (in a day). No reapplying multiple times a day like lotion. Matter of fact, I'm never using lotion again (at least from the neck down).

3. Great for multitasking. You can use it on your hair, skin, and nails! Mix it with some oils and you get a bomb moisturizer. Melt it and use it in your deep conditioners. Apply it to a burn or a dark spot every day and it goes away. I guess the only thing you can't do is eat it.

Once I'm rich, I'll be buying in bulk.

For those who are looking for something more natural for their hair and skin, I highly recommend her. She will not let you down.

Some thoughts. (copy-paste style)

One of my friends asked me to help him for a thesis project, so I decided to share his questions and my thoughts here. Do with them as you wish.

1. What is your personal attitude towards homosexuality? Do you feel as though because this lifestyle is your preference, there are negative connotations with it?

2. As a minority, do you feel underrepresented in your community?

3. With so many opposing stances on homosexuality, how do you view religion?

4. Do you feel as though gender has a role towards the treatment in those that partake in this lifestyle? Are there any differences between gays and lesbians?

5. How has being homosexual affected you in general? What is the positive and negative impacts homosexuality has had on your life?

6. What has influenced you to be who you are? Has a figurehead contributed to your perception or is it because you feel comfortable with who you already are?

1. I've always been open to homosexuality even when I considered myself to be straight. I believe there are positives and negatives with any choice one makes. However, homosexuality is looked down upon by a great majority of people. I feel there's nothing wrong with it personally, and not just because it's my preference.

2. Very much so, but I've met a lot of LGBT's in college. I feel that there's quite a bit of support, even though HU is a conservative university. It's hard to be represented when there aren't a lot of popular role models/celebs that everyone can look up to. The white community has Ellen Degeneres and Perez Hilton (I know there's more lol). It seems like all the black celebs are mostly assumed because none of them officially came out (Queen Latifah, MC Lyte, Missy Elliot, Tyler Perry). Wanda Sykes comes to mind, but she was pretty low-key in her announcement. Also, I've noticed that she doesn't really talk about it in her stand-up, as she knows the topic is looked down upon.

3. I still feel like gays can practice any religion they want, as I believe that God does not judge. Unfortunately, religion plays a dominant role in homophobia, especially in the black church community. I know some who are still Christians, and others who may be in between or may not believe in anything at all. As for me, as long as preachers don't bring up any homophobia at my church, then I'm good. There's a lot of hypocrisy, but there are those who go beyond it and find a true relationship with a higher power.

4. Definitely. There's a double standard when it comes gay/bi/transgendered men and lesbian/bi/transgendered women. We see guys getting off on girls kissing just for fun, while two males kissing is disgusting to most people. I feel that males have it worse, especially those who act feminine. Men are taught to be strong and to look a certain way. Lesbian relationships are sometimes looked at as not being that serious (the "falling in love with your best friend" syndrome, college experimentation phase, etc).

5. It's made me realize that there is more to life than the standard (marrying a nice man, having children, etc). It's not a choice. It's a matter of what makes you happy. The positive is that I have met so many amazing people who fall under the category. Another positive is that the majority of my straight friends accept me as I am. The negative part is that I'm somewhat closeted to my parents. In a sense, I feel like it is none of their business and they can't dictate that aspect of my life. Another negative is that it's disappointing that other people that I may come across may never accept it, but that comes with the lifestyle.

6. I've always been an advocate for self-love. I never hated myself for these attractions. It had always been inside of me, but acquiring a group of LGBT friends sort of gave me the push into the lifestyle. It felt odd at first, but I accepted it. Regardless, my sexuality doesn't completely define me. I'm African-American, a woman, a student, a daughter, etc.

My life in a few sentences.

Fell in love with a boy. Yes, a boy. Cutest thing I've ever seen.

Problem: He's taken and leaving for the Navy soon.

Solution: We fill our work shifts with craziness and laughter. And we'll be pen pals after he leaves.

Still carless, but that should be changing soon. In the meantime, my social life is pretty much nonexistent.

I'm glad I still have a job during the school year (first time doing so), but most of my earnings are going to go towards said car and college stuff.

I feel like I've retired from writing poetry. I don't have those overflowing inspirations as much anymore. Hmm.

The end (for now).

Random Haiku

Fingertips through hair
Sex created the texture
Natural instincts.

Inside Joke.

I want to complete you
Like sentences dying to be written

Phrase your words carefully
So I can fit your punch lines
Just right

Create our own language
(Inside private thoughts)
Outside typical vernacular

Tongue tricks trip the typical
Turning laughter into love:
The perfect translation.

Sleepwalk.

First step

I'm touching consciousness
As deep sleep meets stumbling feet

Dreaming with closed eyes
Yet perceiving with fingertips
Nourished by our synchronized laughter

You accept my advances
In exchange for my half-lidded embarrassment
Entranced by our broken lullaby

Second step

Hits my surface like lightning
With the tingle of our potential
Penetrating my rod bones

Trip

Back into bed
Static clings to my clothes
Sheets tangled in intricate designs
Begging for something more

Rise

Determined to have you
Catching up to the steps I want to take
Walking turns into flying
Without the dream world
Feeling the air swept up in my skin
The cool turns into warmth
A front I'll never forget
Under you
My back bounces against the surface

I wake
With outstretched fingers and numb toes
Following wishes hardly obtained

Might as well go back to sleep...

Against the Odds.

Shuffle the deck
Let's even our chances

(I already know I'm winning)

You don't even look

However,
I keep my cards in check.
I don't wanna throw my ace in any hole.

I want my hand
To play the keys on your heart
Bluff until my eyes give me away

Forget the deck
And deal
With me.

Challenge my chances
Until luck fades
And love runs out

With nothing more to bet
Than a well-played heart.

Beauty of Nature. (condensed 15 min library version)

I have a confession to make...

I love hair.

I mean, I always have...well, permed hair I guess at first. Now I've decided that I really want to know my true roots. I haven't had a relaxer since June and hopefully I will never get one again. I want to renew what I have lost from all those chemicals. I used to have thick and long hair back in high school and I don't believe I appreciated it for what it was, hence the gels and sprays and grease that led to my eventual downfall.

Hair is somewhat equivalent to pride. It builds confidence, gives one compliments, etc. And that doesn't apply to solely the straightened texture. I've realized that natural hair is beautiful (and I can't stop touching my own).

I stopped blow drying my hair back in March. I'd rather lose hair the natural way. I don't own a decent flat iron, so I embrace the mini fro I have on the front of my head.

I hope to do a big chop by the end of the year or whenever I feel comfortable with getting rid of my straight hair.

People want to say that natural hair is harder to handle, but there are plenty of amazing blogs with hair tips and the like, so I'm ready. I'm not one to do much with my hair styling wise, but I want to broaden my horizons.

Maybe I'll start a hair blog of my own...*shrug*

For now, I just want to know the truth...without the creamy crack.

My first blog feature!

Check it out!

http://www.1081creations.com/2009/08/cuffed-by-curiouslovechild.html

It also features music and the like.

Cuffed.

I've never been in handcuffs
But I could feel the cold metal in my dreams:

You on top of me
Each wrist linked
To the other

While the public chanted of our love
A mockery of marriage
A bondage of adoration
That supposedly goes beyond the silver imprints

Past the gold on my ring finger
Pressing into veins
Leaving vulnerable skin underneath
Wet and useless:

A bronze reality
Melted together
To form a union
Less than pure.

And God only sees you
For the wrong you do
Between the clicking cuffs

You don’t think of me
Consistently
Even as I lay over you
Sharing blood beating
Stainless steel

I refuse to appreciate
Your mental freedom
My lack of control sends spasms
Down ring fingers
Leading to tips that can’t touch you
Like I used to

Our friction creating fractioned hearts
In an imprisoned dreamland
Our togetherness creating a distance
Only heartstrings apart.

Overflow: random stream of consciousness thing.

How much will it take for me to overflow? It's enough to make me wonder of what you have to offer. Your talents may be a close match, but will you tend to other habits? With me, you could be lucky, but my conscience may compromise my emotions. I may shiver with the thought of you in summer, but my feet are covered and my heart is used to the temperature. Spike the mercury to your liking, but my heart has had it all. Maybe not you…but maybe it'll be the same. Difference being you dying for attention while I live for space. There is no chase. We sort of fell into each other's existence and thrived. The sun blinds our eyes as we beg for rain to stick to our lips. Moist kisses in bathroom stalls bring us back to the reality of lust.

I'm not a big fan of repetition, but...

Here's one of the poems I did for my project. This is my Black Arts movement poem.

Mr. Man

Tell me when to breathe
And I will learn your beat,
Mr. Man.

I can dance right on your heels
If need be,
Mr. Man.

The crowd must love the chase
Eyes run from you to me,
Me and Mr. Man.

How do they feel,
Mr. Man?

Do they feel sorry for me,
Or do they see my dark skin and laugh,
Mr. Man?

This is my only work.
I have no rights,
Mr. Man

So I speak through my feet
To lift my spirit

No one can take it

Even if you are a Mr.

Master...

I am still a man.

Man of the Year (or survey really): Van Hunt

I love this man:



So I will give this a shot!



Instructions: Using only song titles from ONE ARTIST OR BAND, answer these questions. Pass it on to 12 people and include me. You can't use the artist or band I used. Do not repeat a song title. Repost as "My Life According to (ARTIST OR BAND NAME) I was tagged by the lovely Knobody.


Are you a male or female?: Being a Girl
Describe yourself: Daredevil Baby
How do you feel: Hole in my Heart
Describe where you currently live: In the Southern Shade
If you could go anywhere, where would you go: Break Down Ur Door
Your favorite form of transportation: Ride, Ride, Ride
Your best friend is: Her Smile
Your favorite color is: Blood from a Heart of Stone
What's the weather like: Who Will Love me in Winter
Favorite time of the day: Seconds of Pleasure
If your life was a TV show, what would it be called: Hidden Charm
What is life to you: Mean Sleep
Your relationships: The Lowest 1 of My Desires
Your fear: Come Tomorrow
What is the best advice you have to give: There's Never a G'Time to Say Goodbye
If you could change your name, you would change it to: Precious
Thought for the Day: What Can I Say
How I would like to die: At the End of a Slow Dance
My soul's present condition: Down Here in Hell (With You)
My Motto: Anything to Get Your Attention ;)

Tags: Ziggy, Riva, Hairlicious, Dorinae, Altamese, Carrie, True_Sanctuary, Brooklyn, LittleMissKnobody, Alex Devonce, Shannon, anyone else who wants to do it!

21.

So my 21st birthday occured on Friday. I went to class, then my sis and I went and ran some errands. Some relatives came over (basic tradition of telling stories about the days me and my siblings were born and eating cake) and birthday money trumped the shit paycheck I'm getting at the end of the month. Then my bestie picked me and my sis up and met some of our friends at Applebee's.

My friend Michelle and her boyfriend got there before us. The DeAnna sauntered in maybe 20-30 minutes after. Then Ebony and Rebecca got there extra late, but it was okay because by then I had a couple of drinks in me. And now I will tell the rest of the story via complimenting pictures:



First drink - Hurricane



Second drink - Pomegranate Martini...loved it!



Third Drink - White Peach Sangria...that was pretty good too.



I did this a lot at the table...signature laugh face.



Fourth drink - Mango Margarita...it was okay.



Not as many people came as I thought...damn Facebook events. It was still fun though.



One of my friends decided to be generous enough to buy me a shot and a half of Patron..nastay.



My method of masking the taste.



Which one of us is tipsy? You'll never know...



Shannon wrapped my present in newspaper...can we say trife?



This is my favorite pic...second to the lime pic.

There are more, but you get the gist. For my Facebook friends, there's a lot more pics up there.

Some of these are cut off...just click on the pic to see the rest.

Hair discovery!

So today I prepoo'd by rubbing my oil mix of castor, olive, and coconut into my scalp and then putting Silk Elements Olive Condish on my hair. I decided to try heat since I was in a hurry. I put my hair in three twists, baggy'd (shower cap), and used my blow dryer. After about 15-20 minutes, I took the twists out and my hair looked extra wavy. Like so:





I like it because it looks wet, but it's not wet.

I think I will try this right before I go to my birthday dinner tomorrow. I'll just put less conditioner in it since I washed my hair already.

Opinions?

Definition of Bravery.

I did a little tree chart thingy (courtesy of Rivaflowz) and this is what I came up with:

Bravery
Fight
Love
Carry
Secrets
Passion
Heavy
Hands
Speak
Hearts
Scream
Silence

As I wrote these words, I thought of the connections and came up with this:


One who will fight
For love and
Carry
Its secrets of
Passion
Heavy
In hands
That speak in place of
Hearts
Screaming in
Silence.


Thoughts?

Life is a (hopefully) gradual process.

Hey all. For those who don't follow me on Twitter, I guess I gotta update for y'all every once in a while.

I'm about halfway through my second summer class and it's pretty fun. I feel like going to an HBCU and taking classes such as African-American Lit really opened me up to some viewpoints I never really saw as a girl living in Hickory. Poetry-wise, I'm focusing my whole individual project on imitating/being inspired by different time periods. We went around the room and talked about our projects, and my teacher suggested that I study all the forms, for example, if I did slavery, I do a confessional of sorts. It fits too because I'm currently reading Hottentot Venus, which is all about slavery.

I've been way too lazy in between all these classes. I need to read the bare minimum for this class plus read for Thesis in the fall. I also probably need to do some extra reading.

Anyway, I'm at work (boring as hell) and I need to get ready to close this place up.

Any twitterheads should follow me. Name's curiousluvchild . Duh.

Intimacy. (Part 1?)

You confine me
In a place fit for maximum security

A holding cell made with your hands
Picking locks of hair with your fingertips
My body slowly leaning forward and
All it took was your lingering
Breaths on my neck
Leading me to

Spilling sanity into your psyche
A mess of my past
Mingling with this and trying that

Dripping from your ears
While the rest absorbs into memory banks
Refusing to cash my thoughts
To spend on toxic gossip

The only whispers lie
Between us

You
Who taught me that
Intimacy isn't a surface thing.

Lawd, I never thought I'd be backtracking with this one...

For my summer American Lit class, we could write a poem (any type, any form) for extra credit. However, my teacher said he'd give us more bonus points if we wrote sonnets. I've been slacking, so I decided to tackle the 14-lined monster. It's a mess, but one of the lines is pretty inspiring (well, more inspiring than the uplifting tone). Just guess if you like.

(Hint: It's the only line that sounds like I wasn't chopping words off the block.)

Anyway, enjoy.

Love can't be me now, so I try to gain
Wisdom, Confidence, Self-Respect and Trust.
Right now, life is about ducking the pain,
Hardened shells and pride a definite must.

Sentiments lead to cemented heartbreak,
A heavy burden no one wants to lift
Including myself; I must give and take
Before I surrender my precious gift.

The dream is over and the deed is done.
My life is lonely searching for truth,
But I won't have to live without the sun,
Its glow presenting the luck of my youth.

My chance to find purpose, find what is right
For me, and soon enough I will take flight!

Though I'm not a big fan of end rhyme, I should tackle this form poetry. Maybe it'll bring something new to my arsenal.

Pure vs. Tainted: Realllly?

So PlanetOut.com brought a very interesting issue in today's email: Are lesbians who have sex with men different from those who haven't?

The majority of comments lean towards the "hell no" factor. But I still stick by the fact that sexuality for some changes with time. Straight is considered to be the norm. Most of us are raised in that ideal. It's up to us to really find ourselves and try new things in order to know for sure. There's a lot of factors that play into sexuality as well (plenty of books on it too).

I truly feel that I am a lesbian. It's an interesting mindset. I can't wait to have my ideal relationship. I miss hanging out with my girl-loving friends. I'm aching to write a girl poem, but I have no girl.

I've been with men sexually, with my most recent encounter being over a year ago. The desire has faded. It's like putting a TV on mute. You lose understanding of what you used to know. It's time for a new perspective.

Sure, "gold-star" lesbians are different in the fact that they've never had that male experience. That doesn't make them better. We all like the same thing, in a broader sense. Now it's "confused" people that y'all should be afraid of. That's a whole different story.

One of these days, I'm going to expound on all this. For now, I'm tired and in class. *sings Rent-like* Another dayyyy.

iWorry.

It was difficult for me to fall asleep last night, hence the great lack of focus in class today. I think I'm going to list all of my fears here so I can lighten my emo load.

1. Employment - I know I'm a step up from the unemployed since I have a job right now. It's minimum wage, but it's still a job. I'm trying to upgrade to the new Chili's that's coming in July. Currently, I am the oldest worker at Tropical Smoothie Cafe. Luckily I have more of a productive life than past summers, so I'm not there all the time like I was before summer school started. Seems like a lot of my peers have better jobs. One of my very first crushes works at the Gap, while the super smart people are making moves with paid internships. I'm grateful to be making my own money, and it's going to stay that way, whether I upgrade or not. Upgrading is absolutely essential, especially if I'm trying to move out in a few years or less.

2. Love - For my single people (or those who aren't in the best relationship), do you ever wonder if there is someone out there for you,but not necessarily in the place you live? That's a topic for another blog, but sometimes I honestly feel that way. I think I end up falling in the friend zone by accident just because I'm so damn nice.

3. Coming Out - I'm only planning to do so with people I care about. Everyone else can find out on their own. It's scary, but I have to take it one day at a time. And when I do, I want to be confident that this is who I am. It's like I'm waiting for a sign, but I have no idea what it is.

4. Time Management - I've always sucked at it, but I have to get better. I think the busier I get, the better reality check I'm going to have. I have to make things happen as opposed to putting shit off. I mean, who has the best jobs? Go-getters do, mostly.

As Jasmine Sullivan sang, "We're not human without fear." Facing them can force us to change our lives for the better.

Palm reading.

I feel like I could compose a poem solely from the reading I received last night.

According to my bestie's coworker, I have a very strong fate line. And yes, I do feel that a lot of occurrences in my life happen for a reason. Lesbianism would've been far from my mind had it not been for a tiny curiosity that occurred at the end of my freshman year in college.

Money-wise, I will be making bank, but I have to spend my money wisely. Recessionistas know what I'm talking about.

Relationship-wise, I've already had three relationships, which is absolutely true. And my palm reveals that my next relationship may lead to marriage. Hmm...

I'm supposed to have twins and another kid in the future. I don't really think about kids much, but I know I want at least two. Two at the same time however...I'm not sure about that.

I have a very strong life line as well.

Supposedly your dominant hand tells what should happen while the other hand provides an alternative. I like what my right hand tells me more anyway, so I'm good.

I'm at work and the lunch rush should be here at any time, so I'm going to sign off.

Deuces.

Quickie.

Hello all. I haven't disappeared completely from the blogger world. I just have no wireless net access at home so I've been having many a rendezvous with the public library as well as other free sources of internet.

I'm currently working my butt off (Saturdays are my only off days so far) and excited about getting my first summer check tomorrow!

I do need to spend more time on my craft since I have more "free time." I also need to finish unpacking and start looking for a better job. Also, I need to see if I'll be able to live in my friend's apartment next school year. That would be a dream come true for real.

Anyway, I'm past due for chillin' at home.

Give me opinions on my last post!

Love y'all!

The Block.

Brush the dust off this paper
Reteach my right hand to write
Riddles of romance and
Identity inquisitions

I know you missed my left side
Lifting the ego
While digging humble toes into soft sand
Breathing emotions into your psyche
Making you feel
Instead of just sightseeing

Find me
In
Every
Carefully Chosen
Word

Wrapped up in multi-dimensional metaphors
Crying for understanding
This simple complexity
Delivered in subtle power
Will test the time
Between love and logic
Beautiful and sublime

You and me.

Because my telling is pointless
Without a listener

(You)

The one who told me to
Dust off the block.

Baby calm down!

One of my friends is getting on my last nerve. She is a budding feminist, which I can tolerate most of the time. However, it is times like these when she needs stop blaming the male human race and look at herself as a person.

First off, I can't stand people who generalize. Every man in the world has not done you wrong. Every man does not incorporate certain habits just because their Y chromosome told them to. As long as labels exist, we have this problem.

Secondly, isn't feminism supposed to empower the female? I don't think one is a true feminist if she spends 95% of the time downing men or complaining about men just to make her feel better about herself. And if you're a true feminist, how would you let a man completely ruin your day? He is not living your life. You are. And if plans fall through, make your own. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy being you. Find someone else who is ten times better to occupy your time. And if that can't happen at the moment, take the time to make a better you. You are not perfect and every human being is in that same boat with you. Take time to get to know yourself. Change what you can change and LOVE you. I hate to see you like this. Take every negative in your life and find at least one positive. Progress...don't suppress.

The End.

Wakin' up at 4 am 'cause lately sleep ain't been my friend...

Whew! What a week being absent from blogging! Some of the end of the year work pile is done, classes are over, and I have a potential summer boo!

The only thing that may be killing me is this deep sleep headache...

I feel deprived considering I haven't written a poem in what seems like ages. Most likely I'll flush one out today.

I guess I'll entertain myself with an end of semester to-do list:

-320 paper
-314 paper
-study for exams
-clean room
-attend conference
-don't be too lazy
-call auntie
-call grandparents
-call old boss (I will be back in the workforce a day after I leave. Trust.)
-pay PC dues
-have fun on campus while I still can

That's pretty much it. I should be touching down again soon.

In the meantime, if you haven't added me on twitter yet, then...shame on you!

http://twitter.com/curiousluvchild

Maybe you'll see the boo up there... ;)

Good morning loves.

Passive-Aggressive.

I had no idea that passive-agressiveness was actually a type of disorder before I Googled it just now. Anyway, disorder aside, I believe this fits me as well as any other breathing human being.

Roughly passive means basically letting things happen (favorable or unfavorable) while aggressive describes one who will do just about anything to get to the next level.

Usually, I am passive in matters I don't care about. One of the symptoms of the aforementioned disorder is procrastination, but that would just mean all of us are at least mildly infected. Anyway, it makes sense. Why would we put our all into something we hate and won't gain anything from? I've had numerous moments in my life (including certain points during this school year) where I could care less if anyone liked me on a romantic level. Since I've been focusing on the aspects of my sexuality, being romantically liked by either sex is a somewhat important issue. Regardless, I'm learning that you have to be your ideal before becoming someone else's. And also, regardless of who you are attracted to, you will attract the same types on either side if you don't get your act together. I can't say that either side is easier to deal with. Pursuing a relationship (not necessarily romantic ones) requires work on both sides. I'm still on the stepping stones, but I will not waste time on someone I know I won't gain anything from. That's why I'm beyond basically any romantic encounters I've had between Spring of last year and now. These people taught me lessons that have influenced my romantic aspirations today.

As for aggressiveness, I will do all in my power to entrance one worth entrancing. And I've learned that every new person I meet doesn't deserve that right away. Sometimes that person can be one you least expect, and I believe it's better off that way. I'll leave it at that. ;)

In other news, I've been fiendin' for the open mic scene. Fuzzys was a bust last Wednesday and I don't have class Thursday morning. I just have to attend senior thesis defenses instead. Some of my friends are talking about going (to Fuzzys) and I believe I am game as well.

I started a poem in class today. We'll see if it'll make it to the masses before the next sunrise.

Much love.

No Sleep 'til...the end.

I am in no mood to catch up on the art of poetry at the moment.

However, I did catch up on some of this work and I'm definitely proud of that.

May have to pause the poetic masses.

I shall be living in the library all week.

The End.

Bonus: Tired Haikus.

Confusion sets in
Overwhelmed with each demand
Time for excess sleep.

***

Heavy eyes hold truth
In a struggling chokehold yet
Sleep controls it all.

Overslept. (16/30)

Stifling snores

Waking up to too much sunlight

Too many voices tapping at my window

Clock readings

Shock me out of bed

Frantically stabbing eject buttons

To escape from half-sleep

Flinging clothes at limbs

(Any will do)

Because I'm out of mercy checks

No mirror checks

Corners of eyes and mouth

Caked with laziness

Falling out the door

Forced to powerwalk on cemented legs

Paralyzed in dream analysis

Running into a fellow latecomer

We exchange 20-second stories

In the elevator

Laughing off the stress

Before falling silent

Entering class

Pupils soak us in like the excess sunlight

Dripping hot messes

Into our seats

And the daze begins.

Randoms.

So I feel wide awake. This isn't good. I have a full day ahead of me.

I really wish I had something profound to blog about.

But I don't.

Random tidbits:
-I'm a bit under the weather (be damned if I have the flu again), so I'ma got back on my vitamin game. Just drank a bit of apple juice, which has Vitamin C so that should help a bit.

-Currently feeling "Whipping My Hair" by Rihanna. Never thought I'd say "feeling" and "Rihanna" in the same sentence.

-Tomorrow is Peer Counselor Orientation. I'm glad that I made it. I thought my interview sucked personally, but I guess not so much.

-Besides my healthy apple and orange juices, I vow to drink solely water. I barely drink soda in the first place anyway.

-I am in love with Sam Sparro. Check out his feel good music! http://www.myspace.com/samsparro

-I hope Blogger won't be down for too long today. I need more comments on my latest poetries.

The End.

Hair Mini-Update.

My hair came out quite nicely last Saturday, and still looked decent after the hair-raising events that went on that night. I don't think I left the Hair Mayo in long enough and I heard adding heat is that business.

I just started putting olive oil on my ends before bunning everyday. I believe I am seeing less breakage that way.

Relaxing day is this Saturday and I'm excited about seeing (and take pics of) a difference since I started my hair journey during Spring Break.

And I'm spent.

Breaking Heart-Chains. (halfway mark! 15/30)

Wish the simple scent of you
Could cure ailments
So I can feel alive and well

Spent my life with a mind of gold
And a heart of stone
Held lighters to both
To see if I could feel

Melt...

Mix desire with spite
Concentrated on the fire
Rather than the corrosive fluids

So now I put love on acid
To feel it
Burn.

Bubble and battle amongst itself

Complex chemical reactions
Fire off at nerve endings
Heighten blood pressure
Peel away layers of pericardium

Promoting open heart surgery
Without the scalpel.

Fists full of tissues
Wondering why the pain masks itself as bliss
Bleeding the color of passion

Satisfaction
Coursing through my arm
Climaxing through my fingertips
Releasing the pulpy burden

Exchanging emotional death
For a tissue-free life.

Why you gotta make it so hard?

It's depressing to talk to my sister sometimes. Tonight's conversation was one of those instances. She doesn't feel motivated to do anything and it scares me. Ultimately, she knows what she wants in life, but she definitely has to work harder in order to obtain those goals. She wants to focus on the present, which includes getting through high school and graduation.

This school year has been rough for the both of us. Sometimes I don't realize what she goes through at home. She's around my mother, who constantly complains about the current financial situation and how every household item is going to shit (maybe it's the 10-year curse), so that's more money down the drain. They even had to "borrow" money from her just so they could pay off crazy bills. That was her car money nonetheless. Regardless, we're all affected by the recession, and maybe that's one of the reasons why she didn't get into some of the colleges she applied to.

I've always had a positive mentality towards hardships and whatnot. I feel like if I was in her shoes, I would deal with the problems and try to better myself instead of being in a vegetative state. Life is not going to change if you don't put in work. And it's not even like she's tried to do anything and is now scared of failure.

I know my strict parents have a lot to do with how she's turned out, but she can still gain some sort of independence even under their roof. Once she's trusted to drive safely by herself, she can commute to community college and hold down the job she's had for the past several months. Once she handles that responsibility, my parents should be able to give her more freedom. It's like she's content with the way things are, even though she is clearly unhappy.

No matter how much I tell her, she's always going to feel this way. And it hurts. She's my best friend and I want nothing but the best experiences for her. But if she doesn't believe in them, then they are not going to happen.

Frankly, I'm tired of hearing it. Unless she wants and desires change and is willing to work for it, we have (almost) nothing serious to talk about.

Send the Pain Below. (14/30)

**finally, one done on time! lol. Please be honest and constructive. Thanks.**

Scar tissue pushes walls
Over the edge
Wishing you saw the pain
Etched under this fragile skin

Starting just as naturally
As gravity
Pulling the liquid down
Our desperate throats

Inhibitions floated
Dissolved and sank
Drinking up the sight
Of you and her

Confused
Swaying with the knowledge
Of playful love

We made music with fingertips
Before voices could even

Process notes
Tips to palms
Then
Palms to thighs
Singing high with low frequency

We harmonized with each other
You, me, and she
Two sopranos and a baritone
Naked voices
Pumping syncopated rhythms
Into my system

Moving
Filling me

A pain so good
I pushed into myself
To feel more of it

A selfish desire
Never doing justice in poetry

Only in your history
You can find
This pain that sends me
Over the edge.

Stream part 2. (13/30)

If I could live every day
Without boundaries, deadlines, and hardships
I'd humble the world with my presence

Music in my ears
Poetry drifting on lips
Pen at fingertips
You
Attached to my heart

Left hand plastered on my chest
Veins vibing with mine
The subtle touch keeping
Our eyes focused

Mine telling you how lovely you are
While yours wonder
Where I've been all your life

Insert cliches
With hints of authenticity
The simple romance
Between two women.

Crazy weekend. Catch-up pt. 2. (11-12/30)

I stand natural
Synthetics dare not touch me
My word is mantra.


***


I love like water
Flowing soaking barren land
Until thirst is freed.

[some] Boys just don't understand.

I had another memorable night that probably won't repeat itself anytime soon. That's another subject though.

I know I'm "new" to the lesbian/bi lifestyle, but I'm already experiencing some of the bothers that vets can attest to left and right, the main one being the fact that straight boys think they can be that renewing and/or lifestyle changing factor.

Instance #1: One of my boy friends asked the threesome question to me and my good friend a few weeks ago. He didn't even have to finish asking the question before I started rolling my eyes. I mean, I'm sure some girls may be into that, but I could never imagine doing that.

That makes me recall a certain topic that was brought up on The L Word during the first season. A random cop was telling one of the male characters about the power of woman-to-woman contact, about how they already know what turns them on because they are built the same. That's probably one of the most memorable scenes to me, as it was also hilarious the way he worded this lesson.

Instance #2: I was hanging with some of my lez girls (and my straight girl friend) at a mutual friend's house. Her nephew asked me if I "stay dykin'." (the grammar dork in me went crazy over that on the inside, and mind you, we were all pretty drunk anyway) I didn't answer because one of my friends started interrogating him in a funny defense. Later, on our way out, he asked me and I don't quite remember what I told him. He dubbed me "confused" and told me that the right man (supposedly talking about himself) could change that. I just laughed and walked out the door as he made his way to the bathroom. And I thought he was cute before...

First off, I believe that sexuality is fluid. I don't believe I am in that "confused" stage anymore. I'm quite aware of what I like and what I don't like. One cannot "turn straight" simply by having relations with the opposite sex. I don't care who you are. If your heart and mind don't come into the mix, it means nothing.

Also, earlier I was just talking to this boy who clearly digs me. I was trying to tell him the least possible without divulging too much information about last night. I told him I "loved on some women" and he asked me what that meant. When I told him, he responded "So you gave head?" ... Like that's the only things that two or more girls do.

I'm tired of talking about this lack of knowledge. The end.

I also wonder about the straight girl's perception on gay men.

Feel free to express any thoughts.

Thirsty Hair.

So I'm one of those confused girls on a healthy hair journey with no idea how her hair reacts in detail with most of the products I've tried. I've spent all my life (roughly 5 years or so of taking care of my own hair--blowdrying and all) without using a protein conditioner (besides Infusium 23 as a leave-in), and I believe my hair needs one bad. My hair has lost some of its well-known thickness and I plan to get it all back ASAP. Today I bought ORS Hair Mayo, and I also bought Creme of Nature Detangling Moisturizing Shampoo, which I heard is a godsend for most. I can't wait to try out everything tomorrow! I would have done it all today if I had known my hair was going to feel this itchy. Ah, the last week of new growth...always the most interesting.

So after lunch tomorrow, it's on. I will definitely post the results during the airdry process.

My eyes hurt so it's time to go. Peace and blessings.

Good Night. (10/30)

Tired eyes take a toll
Fatigue freeing the dream world
Good night to you all.

Finally Finished. (9/30)

You close in on my heart

Just as fast as anyone I've ever loved

For once the script is flipped

While my heart pumped blood
Behind the scenes

My mind fell in love with you

As soon as you told me I was beautiful

On that drunken Saturday night

Where I stumbled into a new world

Of smooth skin

Soft hair

Beautiful lips

And aggressive hands

A touch I've felt twice

And maybe never again

As I sit here

Jill Scott tone running through my head:

"You're getting married?"

Five years and two worlds separate us

But honey, you drew me in like no other

I only remember you

Out of all my nightly affairs

Apprehension never lingered on fingertips

As I tapped text messages into your psyche

Hoping that you'd still remember me
On those lonely days

But I digress...

No need to save face.

***


(I feel that I'm bs-ing this thing. Ah well.)

Beauty bs before bed. (8/30)

What is the formula for beauty?

Every hair tamed
No ounce of oil on the face
Every curve carefully wrapped up
In rich labels

I'd rather not show off
(Much)
Just gradually achieve little things
So the mirror can reflect the quirks.



I sense a cute hairstyle to rock in the future...

Bonus: Stream of Consciousness. (no looking back)

Livin' on poptarts and Ramen noodles
Ain't cuttin' it

I long for the days
Where eyebrow waxes and pedicures
Become a staple in my budget

Instead of throwing dollars
At clubs and "luxury food"
In Subway bags

I'll own franchises and written words
Speak eloquently in any setting
While still being me

Choking on syllables and thoughts
Is getting old at this age

My progression is recorded every minute
Downward slopes slide across a broken pride
And once I make my umpteenth fall,
I look at past bruises
And connect the dots
Leading to my blistered feet
Drain the ignorance
And let the patience heal

Remembering
That tomorrow brings another chance
For a full circle change.

(Shoutie to my girl Ebony who told me to write another poem to rest my tired soul)

Tattoo. (7/30)

She inks poems like tattoos
An amateur artist in the making
Practicing penned pictures on paper
Permanent white corners invaded with black
A void so deliciously divine

Turned to needles because
She wanted a challenge
Progressed from forearms to inner thighs
Loving the way her veins swelled
With the contradicting vibrations

Soon her stomach showed sharp slips
Soft skin mangled with cross-outs

The lines weren't
Perfect
Enough.

So she'd let the tip trip
Across temples

So her mind could start sketching

Expecting masterpieces to come
Like the passing of day
Night shades on curves only created
Frustration

She needed another color.

Tip traveling
Drilling through dermis
Finding red ink underneath
Inspiration

Her fingers raced with the flow
Painting
Covering
Completing
Herself.

(Open to critiques...is the ending too much? Contradicting structures, etc...Be honest)

Catch Up. (5-6/30)

Words fill blank pages
Reluctantly working fast
Appeasing demand.

***


I wish I could write
Something so profoundly true
Books would envy me.


***

(I promise, tomorrow will be better. Bear with me.)

Edit: I'm already feeling the fire of the next one. Trust, it may beat Sweet Tooth.

Whenever you need me...

I'll be here.


You know who you are.


For those who qualify,


My love overflows.

Sweet Tooth Haze. (4/30)

I see the hint of your smile
Behind the straw in your sweet black tea
Sugar-coated teeth makes me wonder
If your lips are just as healthy

The glimmer in my eyes
Favor the sun
Making it sweat
With the heat of my attraction

I slip into a hazy daydream...

Where the allure of my gaze
Brings you to your feet
Approach me
Then slowly fall to your knees
Like a worshipper to his deity
My supernatural hands touch your own
Move you back to your soles

Proving we are just as equal...

I rise to my senses
And feel the curve of your lips
Against mine
Saccharine
Grinding palates
Forming a cream too sweet to swallow
Too delicious to spit

So I sit
Anticipating the cavities
You'll soon fill up again.

Ready for the challenge to be the best (me).

I believe I am overlooked way too much. I'm too great for you to just bypass me as the shy girl who claims to be a poet. Y'all already know how amazing I am, so this statement need not apply.

Anyway, this is cramming month and I have loads to do between now and exams. A lot of what I have to do depends on my diligence and discipline as opposed to just attending class and obtaining information.

Even with all that current and oncoming stress, I'm going try my best to finish this monthly poetry challenge. I've felt like I haven't been close to my craft like before and I've learned that sometimes inspiration has to be forced. For example, I wouldn't have written a poem about my neck cramp earlier if I hadn't had one at that moment (still coping with it). I've had some poems on the backburner for a while, and I'm hoping to flush and bring them out as well.

Anyway, this cramp is killing me. Despite the gorgeous day, I'm going to lay down in hopes of the pain subsiding at least a little bit.

Enjoy your day, my dear.

Neck cramp. (3/30)

I sit
Cold
Statuesque
Making 99% of my moves discreet
As the sun peeks
And the wind beats
At my window

(You made this come to life)

As I tossed and turned
Then finally rose
Head merely inches from my pillow
When the heavy burden brought it back down

(I only wanted to switch sides)

Twisting limbs in perfect shapes
To tame the beast
Holding me down
With invisible bars

While accidental sudden moves
Caused a beating against my neck
That I'll never forget

(Why the stress?)

Shower heads and ibuprofen
Can only do so much
So I hope on this spring day
You can beautifully alleviate the pain.

(I thank you kindly in advance)

Free. (2/30)

Free to be poetry
Reveling in inked journals
Every mistake a new inspiration
Elegant in unforgettable deliveries.

***

100th post! Yayyy!!


*passes out*

Guess I should start up this challenge again...

I have so many unfinished poems. I need to get inspired quick. For now, we have the first installment of the Poetry Month 30/30!

Please don't tell me
That true love is only found
By simple 5-second scannings of personals

We live in a world of computer love
Internet euphoria
One keeping it real
While the other fabricates fables
In myspace angles

Behind bright resolutions
Lies a girl who longs for understanding
A duality she only finds in novels
Citing symbols to shape her heart

Come

Find

Me.

Going on to St. Elsewhere.

It's been a while since I've said/blogged something significantly profound.

I caught on to the universal addiction that was "Crazy," and even put the St. Elsewhere album on my computer. I listened to it, but it just sounded weird to me at the time. Then the summer of '08 came, and a friend of mine re-introduced them to me via their latest album, The Odd Couple. Of course, the very first time I listened to it I had other things on my mind besides song meanings and such. Eventually, I loved every song for its unique portrayal of emotions that everyone can relate to.

Like I've mentioned in earlier blogs, "Going On" has two meanings in my head. That's one of my all-time favorite songs of theirs. I just started really listening to the first album beyond the trippy beats and voice changes. I was listening to the title track and instantly formed a connection between that and "Going On." (The musical/poetic English major in me) I still gotta work on it, as I haven't listened to "St. Elsewhere" nearly as much as "Going On."

GO (Going On) is more of an aggressive statement. The loudness of the rock influence preps the listener for something powerful. Cee-lo sings about leaving someone he loves so that he can progress on his walk of life. Clearly the individual he is speaking to is slowing him down. Life is ultimately about leaving people behind that are bringing us down. That song is my anthem. It really got me through the burdens I had during the last half of '08.

SE (St. Else) has a more relaxed vibe. He left town, and he clearly misses his love as he wants her to visit him. This song describes the setting more as opposed to his journey like in GO.

How do they connect musically? If you listen closely in both songs, you'll hear a certain vocal nuance. I'll leave that up to any dedicated listener.

For now...I'm out. I'll edit with more insights when they arrive.

Spoilers.

Some topics to watch out for:

- The greatness also known as Gnarls Barkley
- The friend zone
- Broke Phi Broke
- Let's "talk."
- More poetry to come (as it's in fact National Poetry Month <3)

Good night/day all.

I love this girl!

She betta preach!

Churning.

Never again will I have a ham and 3-cheese omelet from IHOP after getting drunk just a few hours before...

So we all have our significant hook-ups. Some people hold their firsts close to their hearts. Honestly, I really don't. I can't remember a play-by-play of my first time with a guy and my first time with a girl wasn't all that special.

Girl #2, however, rocked that thang like...(excuse the elementary language, but it's true)

I saw her tonight at the club and I danced with her until they kicked out all the underage people. I just feel so comfortable with her, but our attraction doesn't go beyond the sexual, and I'm fine with that. She has a girl now, so I wouldn't cross the line with her...even though she was sexy in that blue dress.

I first stumbled into her when I went into the bathroom and I saw another girl I knew as well. They were talking and somehow got tangled while #2 had a lit cigarette in her hand. Somehow the burned end touched my forearm and it started hurting like hell. I have a burn mark there now, and it's like the physical version of the impression she had on me. I will always remember the way we came together: How splayed hands demonstrated our drunken demeanor, the way she said how beautiful I was and sounded ironically sober, the way I dance like a pro only with her...I could go on, but it's an amazing feeling, even though I'm not emotionally attached to her. I can't imagine how I would've defined myself if I hadn't experienced anything with her.

I couldn't get this feeling from a stranger. Perhaps this is something I've always wanted in someone (well, one of the main factors).

If I wasn't so drunk, I'd feel a poem coming on.

For now, I'm just waiting for my food to settle so I can go to sleep peacefully.

I did start a poem at the house party Friday night though. Keep your eyes peeled.

Hope everyone had a relaxing and fun-filled weekend.

Fluid.

I've always been the type that goes with the flow for most situations. Since my extension of my sexuality, I've just gone to where my desires take me.

Point blank: I like girls. Is that wrong? Of course not. I still think that I could be attracted to the right guy, but who's looking for right these days anyway?

It doesn't bother me that I've jumped off the straight train. I was raised a certain way and now I'm learning for myself. It's so easy to place labels on everything and everyone, though there are those who are label-less or happen to fit multiple molds.

I think it takes a greater person to be fearless and follow his/her heart. Some people are forced to be confined, regardless of what passions pump blood into their veins. I am blessed to have this experience, and I will continue to be blessed with more in the future.

Bi, Pan, Les, Gay, Whatever...

As my friend stated, I love love, and I believe I could find it in just about anyone who could care as much for me as I do for myself.

Keep flowing...

Increasing my Bi-Q...

I found this quite interesting and relevant. I may buy their book over the summer.

(posted from bisexualguide.com)

Bet you didn’t know...

33 percent of bisexuals are in hetero relationships

20 percent are in homosexual relationships

25 percent are in no relationship

10 percent are with a man

10 percent are in multiple relationships of all kinds at the same time

35 percent of bisexuals previously considered themselves gay or lesbian


Oh, and Sandra Bernhart said it best:

"I’ve had long-term sexual relationships with both men and women. If that classifies me as bisexual, then I’m bisexual. I’m very committed to people, so when I’m with somebody, I’m with them.”—The Advocate

Hmm, ok Natalie Portman...

"I think it’s much more the person that you fall in love with—and why would you close yourself off to 50 percent of the people?”—Rolling Stone

Love to hate the feeling (Part 1.5)

As I am blessed to not have Advanced Writing today, I am too tired to process anything in preparation for my next class at 11. That class is killing everybody, as the reputation persists.

Today I'm going to get advised for my last fall semester of my undergrad career and apply for graduation in 2010. Can you taste the realness? I already have senioritis, and I've had a history of early prognosis back in high school. I know I have to get these grades up, even if it means not having a life.

I also need to plan out how next year's going to go. I'll be commuting and working for the first time. I'll probably be working mostly weekends and at least one day out of the week, depending on how demanding Thesis is. I would love to take two summer classes so my credit number can go from 30 to 24 (maybe even 21 if I can test out of this Spanish class). I already know that Thesis alone is going to take up a lot of time, so I need to be ready.

Future aside...well, living and only thinking in present terms can only last so long. The stress of thinking of all the possible things I could be doing instead of blogging is mind-blowing. There really aren't enough hours in a day.

I don't even know if I'm going to do grad school yet. I need to know by the end of this semester so I can do my extensive research over the summer. Unless I can get a full/partial ride, I don't even know if I'm going to consider it. There's already enough stress on my parents.

Okay, I don't want to think about this anymore (at least until I get advised later at 3:30).

My head hurts something fierce.

Experimentation without the possible STD's.

So recently I've gotten into experimenting with my hair. I'm sitting here with my hair bagged (in a shower cap) and full of V05 Moisture Milks Strawberries and Creme condish. I'm trying this brand out for the first time, and this is the second time I've prepooed. I'm probably going to do so on a regular basis now because I've heard wonders about it. In about 10 minutes or so, I'ma wash this out (after roughly an hour of leaving it on dry hair), apply some of my medicated dandruff shampoo, co-wash with the same condish, then deep condition under blow dryer heat for probably 30 minutes. I'm going to apply a bit of the V05 condish as my moisture leave-in along with my Infusium protein leave-in.

I'm addicted to reading about hair care now, and I hope I can get on a regular regimen by the summertime.

Will post the verdict later.

Diet/Exercise Blog?

I'm thinking of making one as opposed to wasting trees on various lists of food. I'm a blogger whore anyway, so why not?

Feel free to post any cute blog title ideas or concepts.

So far, I'm functioning on about 3 hours of sleep with no nap in sight and all I've eaten today is a banana before class and some Ramen noodles afterwards (cram lunch as I finished my paper due at 2). I'll probably get some food after this class considering the fact that my stomach is still growling as I type.

I plan on prepooing (conditioning before shampooing hair) and such once I get back to the room, and then air dry.

Hopefully I can get some good sleep tonight so I can have another good workout in the morning. I have a buddy now, so I have that much more support.

Good day.

Day One of World Change.

I'm going to start a food journal once I find an old notebook. But for now, here's my first day's progress:

Breakfast: Cherry pop-tart

Workout at 9 am - about 18 minutes of walking/fast walking and 15 minutes of biking and like 5 minutes of weight lifting (chest press and some other arm thing)

Lunch: Turkey sandwich, mixed fruit, banana, salad, water

Snacks: Strawberry Vanilla Chewy bar, Gushers, and the occasional Jolly Rancher

Dinner: Chicken wrap, Caesar salad, peaches, banana, and like a 1/2 inch worth of cheese potatoes... and a bit of ice cream (soft-serve vanilla)...oh and water

Post-dinner: Lil' bit of my friend's cheesy bread (already feeling the junky effects of it) and a can of mountain dew

...not bad, I guess. I was just extra tired while trying to do this essay, so I was trying to stay awake for a bit. I'm ecstatic because it didn't take much for me to wake up early when I didn't have class until noon. As long as I keep this up every MWF morning, I should be good. I have gained too much weight this past year and I need to be more aware and what I eat and binge on.

And so it goes...

Change [my] world one day at a time.

These bad habits need to stop (eating because I'm bored, procrastinating, etc.).

Looking at my midterms grades then closing the window as fast as possible made me realize that I need to gradually settle into a better lifestyle.

Here are my goals for the rest of the semester:

-Save money like it's going out of style (rich is the new broke)
-Study like my Facebook status depends on it (that'll get me)
-Get up every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday morning and go to the gym (gotta get my metabolism going again)
-Stop being so closed up when I don't feel comfortable (no more social "safe" zones)
-Be assertive (and aggressive when appropriate)
-Don't let any boy or girl I like/love/can't get my hands off of get in the way of my dreams (well duh)

And so on and so forth...

I'm going to explain this to my friends so they can build up the motivation so I won't fall off as fast as the average person.

Best wishes to me and to you, the imperfect people I love.

Scraps of a romantic psyche.

(let me add...I should go blogging in Starbucks more often...Doing so with a black tea at my side makes me feel like more of a writer.)

I.

My mind is filled with your heartbeats
Blood pounds to their rhythm
Served in senses
To touch bases with your understanding

I crave the scent of precious sex
Permeating pores
Seeing the impossible turned reality
Through eyes of imagination

I want to taste you
Outside of dream barriers
Sift fingers through your hair
Then gradually sway them lower

Hear your inhibitions dwindle to a whisper...

Feeling raw screams
Penetrate layers of confidence
Forgetting the found
While taking in lost pleasures

Once you mold your identity into mine,
Beautiful collaborations will coexist.


II.

We started off on shaky ground
An attraction that led to new epiphanies
Free love to comfort a once close-minded heart

Now a complement to my romantic light,
I hope that our power
Can surpass a sunset's allure
Drawing in people beyond
Beyond beaches and backyards.


III.

Birds and bees no longer apply
I attract ones with wings like my own
Since shooting stars lined up at my door
For dances with possible fates

Long gone from a cage,
I drink from exotic places
And imagine green skies and blue grass
Wondering if people would see the world differently
If we would still believe in hate
For those who chase meteors and comets
Instead of stars
Even though they share the same light.

(Okay, which ones are more promising? And suggestions for continuation/revision are always welcome.)

Quick update.

Home for break. Unseasonably hot in VA. Long the company of the outside. In library now. Internet at home sucks. Don't bother. Lots of incomplete poetry.

May have a girlfriend soon.


Yep.


And she's more needy than I am.


Time to buy a fitted.


Just kidding.



I hope this will change my life.

Letter to Love Life's Editor (Part 2): Subliminal Messages or Full-Fledged Reality?

Dear evergrowing/changing sexuality,

You surprise me everyday. One of my best friends just told me last night that she could see me married to a girl and I could actually visualize myself being an aggressive femme. While that's all well and good, I would like to know where you stand. I haven't felt like a straight girl since junior year started, and I'm happy with that. I like the fact that I can be open to new experiences. I'm just wondering where this year will take me. I feel as if I'm slowly transitioning to the other side. I can't say that I am just yet because I'm not completely sure of myself right now.

It's time for some new attractions, or at least a reinforcement of current attractions.

I say this because this is the only way I'll know whether I'm still a dual soul or if I have a particular preference.

I want to let you know that I'm only doing this for me. I'm am aware that your changes are for no one but me. You are influenced by rainbows and neutral colors, but ultimately it's just you and me. You are a part of me. You define my romantic world and my heart defines you.

Regardless of the future verdict, I'm glad that we're more in touch with each other. Home life was stifling and only taught me that men are meant for women and vice versa. Meeting people of various cultures and lifestyles has taught me that that's not necessarily the case. I'm following my heart no matter what because if I'm not happy, I know you won't be happy.

Maybe this is your way of telling me that labels are for cans...but we'll see in due time.

Love Always,
Shawnon

Taking a break from theory synthesis...

So I'm thinking about the fact that it's March already and that tomorrow is my mom's birthday, which gets me thinking about how close my parents are in age (they're 10 days apart--11 on leap years). They will both be 48 years old once tomorrow hits. It's amazing how much my family has grown. I'm finishing up my junior year in college, my sister and I will both be in college next school year, and my brother is officially a teenager.

About ten years ago, we started a new life when we made the move from Virginia Beach to Chesapeake (about 20-25 minutes away from our old house). My sister and I were too young to realize the reasons we were going to live in a new area. Mostly it was because of the school system, and the middle school that I would have gone to was known to be quite troublesome. The move wasn't all bad though. I only had a couple of good friends back in Va Beach. Even after the move, I didn't make a bunch of friends at once. I had about three good friends a year, and then the number rose slightly once high school hit.

So back to my parents. They're been married since '85, so that'll make 24 years in August. They were school rivals as well. My dad was at Hampton and my mom was at Norfolk State when they met. I'm not sure about the details, but I'm lucky that I have them. I know that they're going to be together for the rest of their lives. They're like the best of friends. Despite the fact that they're afraid for my siblings (eventually) and I (now) being outside of home, they mean well.

My mother is like one of my good friends, but I've become a bit distant, but I guess that comes with age and having more of a social life and responsibilities. I used to talk to her on the phone every single day. Now it's more like every other day, roughly. I can't tell her everything I've done now. I mean, of course we change and test the waters of our limits once we move away from home, but I don't want her to worry. I know that my dad and her trust me to make good decisions while I'm here. I've made plenty of mistakes and I've learned from most of them.

I've gotten closer to my dad (even though our bond can't match mom's) through being at college. He's the one who usually takes me home and back on certain weekends, and we have about 40-45 minutes to talk about anything. He's a cornball and I love to laugh, so it works. He can also be serious, especially when it comes to health and family matters. I believe he studied Health and/or Physical Education at HU. Anyway, he is a constant support system. His mother's been in and out of the hospital since October and he's always been there for her, even during the times when her mind hasn't been in the right place. I know he has lost weight and sleep when her health was at a low point. Most of his days would consist of him spending all day in the hospital and then going to work all night. I know I owe him everything, and I will be there for him just as much as he's been there for me and the rest of our family.

Times have been rough for us lately. My dad's been working more and going through training just so he can get paid more. My mother's the one who handles the bills (she was an Accounting major), so I'm usually hearing about money issues through her. I'm going to commute next year so I can save them some money and so that I can live more independently money-wise. Also, I can help out at home more. My mother's constantly in and out of the house, and it would be nice if I was home more so her load could be significantly lightened.

I realize more and more each day about the value of family and I wish my sister could understand at least half of it. She always seems ungrateful and unhappy. My dad's told me that it's easier for him to talk to me than talking to her. Sometimes it seems like she doesn't even like him. I mean, I know he's overprotective and overbearing at times, but there's other things that outshine that. My sister and I are the best of friends (always have been since we were younger), but our personalities are quite different. I feel that once she starts having the college experience, she's going to learn a whole lot more and stop being so naive and ungrateful. I think that's something that she needs to come face-to-face with on her own. Sometimes that's the only way people learn.

And she needs to watch this video:



Bottom line: I love my parents because they prove that they love me every waking day, and that's something I will never forget. That's one thing that I'm eternally grateful for.







(These pics are from summer of '06, back when I just graduated from high school. Omg. Time flies.)