Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I believe nervousness shifts personalities into twitching choatic beings.

My attempt at an original title...yeah.

I'm inspired by my confident indifference towards Mr. Semi-Summer '08. I don't care about not being friends anymore, but I just can't look him in the eye without thinking about past feelings (not so much past feelings as just the simple fact that I was once close with him). Most times I just avoid the dude period. We act like the other is invisible unless the situation we are in is absolutely impossible to do as such.

It's almost like I don't even see what attracted me in the first place. That phase was interesting. I just appreciate someone who likes me for who I am. If that means spilling out my heart recklessly, then so be it. People are who they are. We transition for better and for worse. I see the positive because once the next long/short-term interest comes around, I know what to do as well as what not to do.

I just want to prove myself now. I can do better, smarter, and more consistent.

Try me.

Vexed and glorious as ever.

Kenna is the man by the way. Check out his music.

Anyway, living life is crazy. You have your best (and worst) moments in no particular order, and depending on the impact, it'll help/haunt you for the rest of your life. Right now I think the good and bad are balanced. I can't keep someone (romantically) interested for the life of me, but my friends save me from oncoming boredom. Romance takes more work though. I'll take friends over an iffy lover any day. (Optimism always prevails)

My midterm grades were better than I expected. Still, I have a lot to do in order to get through this semester.

It's Homecoming week and I'm not the least bit phased. I may just go out of town for the weekend anyway.

End surface blog.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Does keeping it real ever go wrong?

In most cases for me, I don't think so. My definition of the classic phrase is to be open and upfront in a positive sense. I think that's one of my flirting methods. I mean, who wants someone in a shell?

I may be repeating myself, but I'm selectively open. If you're just staring at me, I'm obviously not going to treat you with my thoughts and philosophies (lol Alex). Be engaging and I'll do the same. All it takes is a simple phrase. The interest can spread like wildfire.

One of my fellow colleagues wrote an article in the school newspaper saying that everyone is fake. I didn't take any offense because I already know how real I am. I don't dress for others (I'm always my first priority) and frankly I don't try to be like other people. Friends influence me, but I'm in control of my destiny. I am who I am and if you're able to figure out (or at least try to) what that is, then you'll be on my side. Otherwise you might as well keep it moving.

One of my good friends was telling me about how my positivity moves her a great deal. People carry so much heavy weight on their shoulders and sometimes it's draining to hear about drama all the time. I'm glad to be that breath of fresh air. I have my problems, but I usually don't think about them when I'm with people I care about.

In other news, I may have found the realest girl in the land. We'll see where that goes...

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Music is heartsong at its finest.

I could go for days about my love for music, but for now...

I was just looking through something a former "friend" of mine posted on Facebook about Daft Punk. Over the course of said "friendship," I introduced him to the duo. One day we spent about an hour just cuddling up and watching the video story that went along with the Discovery album. But let me not get too nostalgic...I bet he'll always remember who put him on to that, just as I'll remember who put me on to amazing artists like Gnarls Barkley and Kenna.

Every song has a story, even outside of the lyrics. Significant moments happen in our lives. And if you're like me, you'll remember at least one of the songs that were playing during a particular extended moment. Examples: My previous "Sand in My Shoes" post and the significance of "Destiny" by Zero 7 that I briefly mentioned earlier. The latter isn't the best song ever, ("I'm watching porn in my hotel dressing gown" is memorable, but not the best lyrical image) though the chorus speaks volumes:

"When I'm weak, I draw strength from you
And when you're lost, I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down, you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart, we are each other's destiny..."

Just a sub-par love song? Not quite so anymore (to me). That's my definition of friendship. The three friends who directly (and indirectly) calmed me down last night...I will never forget what they did for me. Those lines are for them.

Well that's one example of a musical memory. There's many more to come when I feel the need to have you indulge in a few secrets of mine...

Scariest night of my life.

I was hanging out with one of my good friends at his friend's house. Someone started knocking at the door in a threatening manner and eventually kicked in the door. We then found out it was a group of boys (I call them "boys" because clearly they don't know how to act). My adrenaline was pumping from the moment the door gave way to their demanding nature. They started verbally harassing my friend and eventually jumped him. I was frozen in place for at least 30 seconds. I went outside and was about to call 911 when the cops arrive right on time and handled the situation. My friend told me to go to his car, lock the doors, and stay there. I obeyed and called a couple of friends, who ended up calming me down. During that process, I found out via text that my friend was okay and he came to the car after filing a police report. They ended up asking me a few questions as well.

Overall, I was scared for my life tonight. My heart is still trying to calm down even though everything is okay. My friend and I were trapped in a situation that could have ended up being fatal. All the dudes who were with us disappeared instantly after the idiots came in.

It's a shame that there was nothing I could do in the situation. If I had been a dude, I probably would've left with a few bruises like my friend did. The boys did not touch me. And my friend was looking out for me in my best interest. Even though this was a horrible altercation, I realized who was there for me, as well as who was there for my friend.

When I was in the car by myself, I had no idea who to call. I could have contacted my best friend from home first, but I decided to go with one of my good friends who was still on campus. She calmed me down a great deal, so I called my best friend next. I would have called my mom, but I didn't want to scare her or have my dad come on campus in anger towards the situation.

In cases like this, I feel like our true selves come out. No matter how strong we are, we will be placed in situations where we will be faced with our fears and weaknesses. We are all vulnerable.

I'm okay, for the most part. I just need to get some rest, but I had to get this out first.

Edit: "Destiny" by Zero 7 will always remind me of that night. That was the song I played (like 11 seconds into it my best friend called me) and I sang (sans mp3 player - left it in my friend's car) when I was trying to calm down. I just got my player back and instantly listened to that.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Shy Flirt?

For the longest time, I never thought I could catch the eye of someone who is extremely attractive (athletes, popular dudes with 20 girls at a time, etc.) Why? Because I've been overweight all my life. Apparently, I thought that people who fit in that category have the guys they can go for while everyone else can have each other. Trust me, I had (and still have) pretty high self-esteem, but that didn't (doesn't) mean I'd always get the guy (or girl).

These days, anything is possible. Even "ugly" girls/guys can have crazy swag. That's why they got your man/woman.

Roughly, we all want someone who has confidence, intelligence, and is easy on the eyes. Of course, him/her would want the same in return (in most cases).

I like to be approached. Maybe I'm lazy, but that's how I am. Once the ice is broken, I can talk a mile a minute. Trust me.

Maybe I'm just afraid that people I'll approach won't give a damn. It happens. We all have different goals and paths in life.

Some friends have definitely shown me that taking initiative is key. It's easy to say that most dudes are oblivious, but that show of confidence eventually helps you out in the end.

This is our trial and error period. We talk, we live (possibly love) and learn.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Poetry is life (Part I)

Honestly, I'd die without it. The boundless expression lets me tell everyone who I am (well at least to those who are willing to read/listen).

You can't put rules on writing poetry. Confining someone's creativity is a crime. We're all different and have the freedom to write whatever we want how we want. Now there is good and bad poetry, but it's all a matter of perception (and the majority of course).

This year, I've been regularly going to weekly open mics, mostly at Mary Helen's down the street from campus. Most of the time, I sign up to perform. Sometimes I don't like going up there knowing that I won't get the crowd hype like some other word artists. I'm more literary than anything. I've embraced who I am though: a young woman who writes because her mind and heart tell her to. I'm never going to stop writing. Also, the open mic experience always inspires at least a couple of new lines later. Right now I have so much to work with it's ridiculous. I could write all day if I wanted to, and I would all day every day if I didn't have so many responsibilities.

With the freedom of open mics, there are the bad apples that grace the stage with their unique mediocrity. They're usually pretty rare, but last night there were at least four performances of that quality (with one man performing twice). The content ranged from an orginal song about "ugly"-ing up to a middle-aged man mimicking current rap songs.

Besides those "special" performances, everyone else was pretty good. One dude was promoting his poetry cd and ended up making big business after he finished performing a taste of it.

I will never get tired of open mics. I'm going to another one tonight in Norfolk. I've been before and it was lovely. I didn't perform that time, but I will definitely do so tonight. I believe more of my friends are coming this time, so I'm excited.

More to come later.