Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Why, why does he do me that way?

So I had my first (semi) summer fling not too long ago. We noticed each other at an open mic at school and started talking from there. Around mid-July, he became extra distant and I didn't feel like entertaining him anymore. By that time, I had almost complete control over what we did when we hung out and that's something I honestly didn't want, so I stopped being the entertainer. Well, that's the short version...

For weeks I mulled over questions like "Why did he just ditch me like that?" and "Does he even remember a damn thing?" For the second question, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't remember specific significant moments.

The first question digs a bit deeper though and I'll probably never know the exact answer unless I asked him myself. My pride won't let me though. It's been months since we actually spoke to each other.

I'm sure most of us are too nice to let someone go like that. There's only a select few who will tell you exactly what's on their minds as opposed to the cold shoulder or a lame excuse. I felt like I deserved the truth at least, but hey...

Even so, how do you go back to being friends after so much time being apart? I think it's a bit different with most guys, unless he's like your best friend or something. In this case, if we became friends again, it would be his doing because I let my passion for a friendship go a long time ago.

So now I really only see him at mutual organizations and such. I saw him tonight at a workshop and I ended up being more nervous than usual. I hate the feeling, but it only comes when he's there. The whole "out of sight, out of mind" theory works wonders most of the time anyway.

I guess it's simple, like writing poetry. You acquire a muse, you use it, and eventually it goes away.

The lesson will always stay with me and that's probably why I still feel something (non-romantic). I just have a heart and I'm not ashamed of it. Emotion is beautiful and I'm hoping to express it more boldly through this new chapter of my life.

Variety is the spice of life.

How many times have we heard this throughout the course of life? Well it's true. The more people you talk to, the more lessons you learn, the more adaptable you become.

All I know is that I'm keeping my options open. I'm not sure if I actually want a relationship right now. I haven't been in one since freshman year, and I haven't complained much about it. I spent most of my sophomore year unconcerned about finding a special someone, mostly because I was steadily getting over the boy who bruised my heart during the previous semester. I'm a romantic for real, so I crave it sometimes...the security and affection that seems to last forever...

Right now I'm getting to know some more girls. That could be partially because of my "newfound sexuality" and the fact that they're more accessible, I guess. Maybe I'm biased right now lol.

How many is too many though? So far, I've never been in a situation where I've talked to more than two people. I think I can handle more of a challenge though. If most guys can do it, then I can too. I've spent too much time being alone just because I was scared of what people would think if I tried to approach them. It's do or die these days...or in the sincere words of T Jones on From G's to Gents: "It's do or die! Or in this case do AND die! Hell, who knows?"

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Sand in my shoes

"Beauty is in the eye of love
Uninhibited, intense
Fresh like the high tide..."

I came up with that when I was at the beach the other night. I went with some "friends," but I ended up standing near the waves. I didn't mind... mostly. It was actually quite the poetic experience. At first, I was afraid of getting my feet wet, but I inched closer and planted my flip flops in the sinking wet sand. I started singing "Sand in My Shoes" by Dido (mostly the chorus) repeatedly to myself, then realized that there wasn't anyone close enough to hear me so I sang like I didn't care. I looked over and saw the girl I once touched having fun with her friends and felt more alone than ever. I took out my mp3 player and started playing "Lost & Found" by Ledisi, which is one of the most beautiful lonely songs ever. I listened to it a couple of times while I let the sandy water wash over my feet and ankles. At times, I would stand on my tiptoes and let the remaining water slide off my flip-flops. At one point, I was reminded of the ending of the novel The Awakening and how Edna (I think that's her name...the main character) watches the waves before she gives herself to them. I could almost relate to that moment.

If I didn't love life and the possibilities of the future so much, I probably would've given myself away right there.

But I didn't. I know that there are amazing things (and people) waiting for me in the future.

At times like those, a lot of things run through my head and it's hard to catch every thought. Like now...I wasn't aware that this entry was going to turn out the way it did.

Ah, such is life.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Let's just have a laugh about it...

Hello old and new friends...

This may surprise some of you, but...I'm bisexual.

So I'm officially a greedy one, and I don't mind. I can now say I've had both sides (one more so than the other). I'm not sure what to think, but I know I'm not as straight as they come.

To my girlfriends: No, I don't like you like that. If I did, you would have known by now. I know y'all will love me regardless.

For those who are just getting to know me...

I'm a poet, lover, and a constant inspiration.

More to come later.