Monday, December 22, 2008
(will edit this later)
Monday, December 15, 2008
It started off with a simple nursery rhyme
She whispered wishes out her window
In hopes of curing her quarter-life crisis
Daylight brought an unforgettable opportunity
Of obtaining the first man
Reminiscent of fairy tale heroes
Confidence opened her heart
She expressed her dreams
While he was stuck on reality
Though they met mindsets on love at first sight
By sunset, she knew she found the one
She promised herself
First star she’d see tonight
She’d thank it
For the death of may and might
(Though her gratitude was for naught
At least for tonight)
Now she buries her head in pillows
So the stars won’t hear her cries
Blinding balls of light
Searing flesh under unsuspecting eyelids
Every touch from him
In trails of trampled emotions at his feet
Surrendering to nonexistent gods
Who would inflict such pain
Scarring a precious life
Just because she believes in
Star light star bright?
Compliments/comments/criticism is greatly appreciated!
Monday, December 8, 2008
I've interacted with quite a few males within the past couple of weeks. I've been impressed as well as practically sick to my stomach when checking them out (pictures + profile). Here are some rules for impressing me (and probably every girl with a good head on her shoulders):
1. Have an opinion. I don't just want admirers. I want us to talk about the arts (poetry, music, etc.) and anything else under the sun. Surface conversation doesn't do it for me anymore. For example, there's this one dude who loves me and is already talking about how wonderful it would be if we were together. First off, you've never seen me before in life. You only have a handful of pictures to go off of, and 95% of them are head shots. I sent him the poem I posted last week and all he can say is "that's a beautiful poem." I can't accept that. I am deeper than that. Goodbye.
2. Read my profile and prove that you read it. Okay, I'm not going to give you a reading comprehension quiz, but come on. Not everyone wants to date someone simply because he/she is a 10. I surely don't want that. Get a feel for who I am. Most of the basic questions you want to ask are already answered on my profile. If you ask me a bunch of obvious questions in a row, I'm going to know that you didn't read a damn thing. You lose points for that.
3. Going beyond the picture. My picture does not define me. If I were to take a picture of every angle, chances are a lot of people wouldn't respond to specific ones. I already know how important appearance is to some people, but I'm more than that. You can't tell me what type of person I am based on a cute smile. Looks are deceiving. I'm an exception. I have a pretty face with a personality to match.
4. Know my limits. At the bottom of every profile, there are specific guidelines in order to contact me. The age range I'm interested in is 18-26. Please tell me why this 28-year-old man still tries to contact me. There may be exceptions to the rule, but for now, I'm sticking to my limits. Please respect them. It's not you, but then again, maybe it is...Edit: (2:20-ish) Dude just tried to message me again. Honey, give it a rest...
5. Have at least a high school mastery of the English language. You already know how I feel about chat speak. It's not attractive to me. It's okay if you didn't go to college. It's not for everyone, but I need someone who is at least close to my level. More than five spelling errors may subject to complete evasive action of your messages.
For the most part, I'm just looking for friends. I feel like things may go deeper with one particular friend, but that's an exception to the rule. That's another blog topic that I may touch on in a few days. I'm just going to let this new feeling marinate a bit for now.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
I'll make you laugh and smile. People who don't do those often are not living life properly.
I'm intelligent. Chat speak is cool in the few necessary circumstances. I don't think it's cute when you're trying to impress an intelligent person like myself. Saying that you're the baddest whatever and you're making that money doesn't impress me. That's why I end up surpassing a lot of people on networking sites. I think if you're making something of yourself and you're trying to make a good first impression, you wouldn't do that.
I'm real. What's the point in getting to know people when you're putting on a fake image? I'm just me. I mean, I am reserved at first, but if you show interest in me, then I'll return the favor. And what's with people not saying what they mean? If someone tells you to call them, he/she should mean that. Opposite day is not cute.
I'm gaining confidence in myself. Ultimately, if I don't feel good at the end of the day, how am I going to get anywhere? I've had confidence since I started writing poetry. And it's showing now. During my audition, I had so much command in my presence that was above any performance I've ever given in the past. They even asked me if I wanted to act.
Alex actually mentioned the word cadence while we were waiting to audition the other night. I have an interesting rhythm with words. And I also just go to the beat of life. Whatever comes, I accept it. Life's rhythm is what you make it, am I right?
Last night, I went to Carrabbas for a birthday get-together. One of my friends asked everyone what they wanted to accomplish in 2009. We were just talking about how I fell hard from the gym fix I had spring semester. I mean, there's nothing wrong with being comfortable with the way I am. I've always been used to being a plus-sized girl. I probably always will be, and I have no problem with that. I just need to be healthy. That falls under my main goal, which is changing for the better. I still have some things to work on. I'm so glad that the people I care about can see how much I've grown and matured into the person I am today.
I'm not sure if I believe in alter-egos. Every part of me is still me. No need for fancy names. But maybe a name will come to me one of these days. I actually like the word "cadence," so maybe I'll stick with that. Suggestions Alex? Lol
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
I'm staring into this space called life
But my vision is blurred
In black and blue
Bruises to my pride
Your fingerprints on the side of my neck
A love song choked of life
A ballad torn from emotion
Clothes torn as
Casualities of your anger
The fire in your eyes
Makes me wanna disappear in a cloud of smoke
But what did I do wrong?
Why am I your bleeding target?
Because of you
I face the world with
Fresh scars under makeup
Drowned in tears
I'm living a slow death
Raised by brass knuckles
And verbal warfare
This is me...
Surrendering in the corner
To the soles of your shoes
Marking my body with rainbow colors
Blood kissing the hard floor
But all I can see is white...
P.S. I just auditioned with this poem for the Black Extravaganza. I have a good feeling about this...
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
We all have history with people. Finished business. Lingering pain. These are some of the symptoms from dealing with ex-friends, ex-lovers...ex-cetera (cute, no?).
I realized a few days ago that it's been about eight months since I was involved in a connection that will probably affect me for the rest of my romantic life. I still think about it almost daily, whether it's positive, negative, or just for the sake of revelation (in this case). I don't consider myself obsessed (that's a term only used when your friends are tired of hearing about said subject).
I had a similar experience with my ex-boyfriend freshman year (almost 2 years ago). We broke up during the winter and I completely got over it probably during the fall of that same year. I had my (necessary and unecessary) poetic outbursts, my naive threats at backstepping, and my own inspirational speeches. Maybe history is repeating itself.
Now I'm constantly reminded of why I'm in this current mental/emotional stage. The only difference now is that I wasn't in love and I was quite aware of the occasional overpowering lust inside of me this past summer. I'm just amazed at how much I've discovered in something so temporary.
At this point, I don't care what he thinks about me or our past situation. I know that I am beyond being the person I was during the summer. I don't regret what happened. I just know that I'm in a completely different place now. I used to wish for an experience similar to the moments we had, but I'm aware that it's nowhere near possible. I no longer have feelings for him, so what would be the point? I'm not in a stage where I will beg and/or explain myself when I will most likely receive nothing in return.
I deserve the world. I deserve friends who care. I already have the latter. I don't need anything less than that.
I'm seeing the beauty in the struggle. Coincidentally, I had to give a presentation based on that theme this morning (on a religious level). Religion aside, I believe in myself. I believe that someday I will find someone who truly understands what I've overcome and what I'm in the process of overcoming.
"One step at a time
I feel better
I can smile at it now
I feel better...
And even a little is still better..."
~ "A Little Better" Gnarls Barkley
You will never understand the level of my pride right now. I love this feeling. I wish I could feel it all the time.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Most of us don't want to socialize anymore. Why call to say hello when we can just text "hello"? Sometimes it's necessary. As busy as life gets sometimes, texting is a convenience. However, I'm starting to see the downfalls of it.
I know people who can text for days like me, but some of us are way too busy to text. Others just don't care for it. The main problem I see is keeping up an interesting conversation with certain people.
We start with simple greetings and ask about what the other person is doing. Sometimes it's hard to get past that, especially with those you just met.
Not all people are going to be lively and engaging through text messages, even though they are that way in person. Let's present the examples of two girls that I met within the past month or so.
Lisa (see the "She told me I was beautiful" entry) is a pretty cool chick to talk to in person. We check in on each other via text from time to time. Our text conversations are mostly basic, unless I just feel like presenting a random topic such as Leather and Lace (a local novelty store lol). During the past holiday break, I was trying to go see her, so I would text her concerning if she was free that day. Our deepest conversation to date occurred on the morning after club night, where we talked about anything and everything while laying next to each other. (*sigh*)
I've only known Ken for a few weeks. I met her through some friends and we hit it off pretty well. We exchanged numbers and we would text each other almost every day. That was pretty basic as well. After about a week or so, she stopped texting and I was a bit offended, but at the same time, our text conversations were superficial. I can accept that.
So most are probably thinking "Why don't you just call the girl?"
Because of my texting epidemic, I rarely call people (outside of my mom and sis). I keep in touch with most of my friends with texts and I see most of them at least once a week. I usually don't think about calling people unless I have a definite reason to ("call me" text, missed call, birthday, etc.). I'm either already with a friend or just doing something that diverts my mind from thinking about calling said person. I want to change this, especially when it comes to people I want to get to know better (friends or potential lovers) who I can't see on a regular basis.
If I had to pick between the two, I would pick talking (even though there is a time and place for texting). There's nothing better than a long phone conversation that has no bounds on topic matter. It's been too long since I've had one of those. Once the stress of school calms down, I'm determined to have a late night phone session at least once a week.
I could never quit texting, but I promise to work on creating a healthy balance for both.