Letter to Love Life's Editor (Part 2): Subliminal Messages or Full-Fledged Reality?

Dear evergrowing/changing sexuality,

You surprise me everyday. One of my best friends just told me last night that she could see me married to a girl and I could actually visualize myself being an aggressive femme. While that's all well and good, I would like to know where you stand. I haven't felt like a straight girl since junior year started, and I'm happy with that. I like the fact that I can be open to new experiences. I'm just wondering where this year will take me. I feel as if I'm slowly transitioning to the other side. I can't say that I am just yet because I'm not completely sure of myself right now.

It's time for some new attractions, or at least a reinforcement of current attractions.

I say this because this is the only way I'll know whether I'm still a dual soul or if I have a particular preference.

I want to let you know that I'm only doing this for me. I'm am aware that your changes are for no one but me. You are influenced by rainbows and neutral colors, but ultimately it's just you and me. You are a part of me. You define my romantic world and my heart defines you.

Regardless of the future verdict, I'm glad that we're more in touch with each other. Home life was stifling and only taught me that men are meant for women and vice versa. Meeting people of various cultures and lifestyles has taught me that that's not necessarily the case. I'm following my heart no matter what because if I'm not happy, I know you won't be happy.

Maybe this is your way of telling me that labels are for cans...but we'll see in due time.

Love Always,
Shawnon

Letter to Love Life's Editor Part 1: Things I'll Never Say

Dear former friend,

We're all human. I'm sure you know that, but I think I had to reinforce that for myself. I don't regret meeting you and being with you. I feel that most people that come in and out of our lives teach us something, whether we're aware of it or not. Before you and our faded friendship, I thought that all relationships were formulaic. You meet someone new, you and that person become attracted to each other, and then eventually once both of you are sure of yourselves, a relationship ensues. I was hoping that was going to be us. I feel that the strength of that hope (as well as pride) was so great that I couldn't take any form of negativity from you. At first, I dealt with the fact that you had to be alone for a while, whether you said it or not. I took our last facebook message thread as some sort of a breakup since you didn't want to see me for a while. "We don't have to see each other" was the confirmation. After seeing that, I was tired of trying with you. All I wanted was for us to be on the same page, even if we were just friends. The power of your indirectness is probably what has fueled my fire for a while. Since you (indirectly) rejected my feelings, I directly took my angry feelings and controlled them in the only way I knew how: writing. I wasn't angry to the point where my heart pumped overtime, but it would have been a better excuse considering how much negativity I've written about you. It was my only way of coping with the feelings I had.

Honestly, I can't say much about your role in our friendship, because only you know who you truly are and what you were feeling during the entire summer. I could make so many assumptions, but then I'd be doing you less of a favor. I just want to apologize for portraying you as less than what you really are. I only know/knew a certain part of you. You are unlike anyone I have ever met. I don't expect us to be friends again. This may be a "no turning back" point, and it has been for me. I know that we're not romantically compatible, and I'm fine with that now (well, for a while actually). My pride was what kept me from writing this, and it's almost been a year since I met you (and roughly half a year of coping with the awkwardness).

I thank you for the lessons and reality checks. Now, I have something called a "guard," and I plan on keeping it up while still being a romantic in every sense of the word. I wish you luck in everything that you do.

Sincerely,
Shawnon

P.S. Your Extravaganza performance was great.