Saturday, February 28, 2009

Letter to Love Life's Editor Part 1: Things I'll Never Say

Dear former friend,

We're all human. I'm sure you know that, but I think I had to reinforce that for myself. I don't regret meeting you and being with you. I feel that most people that come in and out of our lives teach us something, whether we're aware of it or not. Before you and our faded friendship, I thought that all relationships were formulaic. You meet someone new, you and that person become attracted to each other, and then eventually once both of you are sure of yourselves, a relationship ensues. I was hoping that was going to be us. I feel that the strength of that hope (as well as pride) was so great that I couldn't take any form of negativity from you. At first, I dealt with the fact that you had to be alone for a while, whether you said it or not. I took our last facebook message thread as some sort of a breakup since you didn't want to see me for a while. "We don't have to see each other" was the confirmation. After seeing that, I was tired of trying with you. All I wanted was for us to be on the same page, even if we were just friends. The power of your indirectness is probably what has fueled my fire for a while.
Since you (indirectly) rejected my feelings, I directly took my angry feelings and controlled them in the only way I knew how: writing. I wasn't angry to the point where my heart pumped overtime, but it would have been a better excuse considering how much negativity I've written about you. It was my only way of coping with the feelings I had.

Honestly, I can't say much about your role in our friendship, because only you know who you truly are and what you were feeling during the entire summer. I could make so many assumptions, but then I'd be doing you less of a favor. I just want to apologize for portraying you as less than what you really are. I only know/knew a certain part of you. You are unlike anyone I have ever met. I don't expect us to be friends again. This may be a "no turning back" point, and it has been for me. I know that we're not romantically compatible, and I'm fine with that now (well, for a while actually). My pride was what kept me from writing this, and it's almost been a year since I met you (and roughly half a year of coping with the awkwardness).

I thank you for the lessons and reality checks. Now, I have something called a "guard," and I plan on keeping it up while still being a romantic in every sense of the word. I wish you luck in everything that you do.


P.S. Your Extravaganza performance was great.

1 comment:

poetiklee_vehrzed said...

you kno im always here to give u feedback. my apologies it took me like almost a day...but im here!! lol...

i loved that you wrote this. very adult of you. =D n u r right about everyone comin in & out of lives for various reasons....i feel u on that one....

but great post chica.. =D