We've all fallen into these roles at least once in our lives, but I feel that most people use or are used more so than vice versa. I could be classified as a usee, like most nice and caring people out there. Don't get me wrong, I love being who I am. If you deserve my love and attention, it's fine. It's these manipulative backstabbers who need to try somebody else.
My friend was talking to me about this at dinner yesterday. (We're gonna hold off on that for a second since I haven't talked about my life happenings in a good minute.)
So back in September, I was introduced to the girl that charged my sexuality. Unfortunately, mind-blowing sex did not ensue from our reckless first night endeavor. Our involvement was placed in the trash while I had to sit back and watch her obsession with another girl. It wasn't much of a heart wrencher, considering that we didn't know each other that well and that we were never in a relationship. Eventually I got over the fact that what we had was a one-time thing. We simply were acquaintances for the most part, and I was fine with that.
Along the way, I became involved with another girl. Before it happened, I never even thought it was possible. We had crazy chemistry and that's why it worked. Anyway, several weeks ago, I went to the club with my friends (including Girl #1) and ended up seeing Girl #2 and catching up with her, already aware that she was a temporary buddy and nothing more.
So one night last week I was minding my own business online when Girl #1 popped up in my facebook chat, which happens .5 times out of 10. We start a casual conversation then some aimless flirting occurred. Not too long after that, she tells me that she was eyeing Girl #2 and I at the club in a semi-jealous manner (she swears she wasn't jealous). Then she went on to tell me that she had been thinking about me ever since. Now that shocked the hell out of me, maybe even to the point of stupidity thinking that we were going to gradually make our way into possibly the greatest relationship of all time.
The next day, I got these extra giddy/cute text messages from her. It seemed a bit much at first, but then I didn't care since I hadn't received any attention like that in a long time. We chilled later, but it was nothing more than reclining on the couch and me trying to find something to do after she fell asleep.
After that, our text messages became less memorable and I became worried about our fate. I could feel the hopeless romantic awakening, and I disliked it because the feelings went nowhere. When I asked her where the cute texts went, she said it was because she'd been sick and tired for the past few days. I can understand that. Then she proceeded to tell me that she's talking to other people and that we aren't exclusive.
Okay, I was aware of the latter. You have to feel the other out before you start saying and doing things you may regret. We never had a lot of one-on-one time, and I was hoping to change that. But then when you tell me that you're stable and you're ready to settle down...that gives off a different meaning. First off, we're both 20 years old. The words "settle" and "down" should not be used in the same sentence when it comes to relationships.
The former...well, that threw me for a loop. Now if she told me upfront, it would have been a more gentle blow. I mean, it's somewhat ironic considering the stereotypical "fact" that bisexual people are always talking to other people (Girl #1 is a full-fledged les). Usually my interests come one by one, so I've never been in that situation. So now who do I "talk" to?
So was I smart in reaching out to her? I'm not entirely sure. I'm not bashing myself because I feel like I've been more rational in this situation than any other I've ever been in.
So back to my conversation with my friend. She feels that Girl #1 has been using me. When she first initiated the chat, it just so happened that a lot of things were going on between her and the people she considered to be her friends. So at her lowest point, she reaches out to me because she knows that I will be there for her. Then, once she got herself together, that's when I have to fend for myself again.
All I know is that I'm not a victim. I may have gotten caught up in the fact that she was really feeling me, but I'm not going to allow her to mess up my head just because she might like me again. Before this, I wouldn't have given a damn. If that knowledge wasn't expressed to me, I'd still be that same single girl with loads of confidence and cynicism. For now, I'm just having a moment. I have vented and I vow to put this unnecessary form of nothingness behind me.
Any confusion? Please let me know. If not, I would like to hear your thoughts. User or no user?